sometimes, i look back at my life and wonder how come i get to experience things that are beyond normal....
how come i always get into some kind of trouble wherein in the end, i always end up hurt and shattered?...
why is it that life always give me some sort of grief, anxiety, pains and all other kinds of heart-pounding feelings?....
IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING !!!!
i've always been a good person... i know i've been until my involvement with M... but just the same, that affair was just an effect of a hell-like relationship with the Rock...
i just wanted to be loved, for Christ's sake!!!
was just too much?... or am i too bad?...
LIFE CHALLENGES ME TO THE HILT !!!!
i wonder when all of these will be over....
im getting so tired ...
exasperating as it was at this moment, i guess there is no better way than to PRAY. at least, that's the safest and most reliable thing i could think of under the weather...
Oh, life.....
HOW COME YOU DO THIS TO ME ?!!!
('sigh')
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
life (again!)
you know, things would be easier for me if only The Rock would cooperate...
but until now, he's still as cold as what i call him... the Rock.
i am trying so hard to bring back the fire in our relationship...
i wanted to be a good wife.... a faithful one...
but it's just so hard...
everytime i talk to him, he snaps on me... (yeah, so rude)
everytime i hug him, he will just shrug and ask what's wrong with me...
i am so fucking tired and unhappy with him..
but he doesnt care ... and he doesnt give a damn!!!
and oh, not to mention, NO SEX AT ALL !!!
(well, this is over acting a liitle... we do have sex ONCE A MONTH... for 5 MINUTES!!!)
coz Rocks don't need SEX ... they have no feelings....
JUST LIKE HIM!
ok, fine...
DAMN LIFE!!!
but until now, he's still as cold as what i call him... the Rock.
i am trying so hard to bring back the fire in our relationship...
i wanted to be a good wife.... a faithful one...
but it's just so hard...
everytime i talk to him, he snaps on me... (yeah, so rude)
everytime i hug him, he will just shrug and ask what's wrong with me...
i am so fucking tired and unhappy with him..
but he doesnt care ... and he doesnt give a damn!!!
and oh, not to mention, NO SEX AT ALL !!!
(well, this is over acting a liitle... we do have sex ONCE A MONTH... for 5 MINUTES!!!)
coz Rocks don't need SEX ... they have no feelings....
JUST LIKE HIM!
ok, fine...
DAMN LIFE!!!
life
Cola and M's relationship is becoming visible in the office...
if you ask me if i am feeling hurt, my answer would be ................... i don't know...
i admit i miss M...
i miss his sweetness...
i miss his E-Mails...
i miss his phone calls...
i miss his jokes....
BUT, i dont want him back anymore...
No... partly, i want him back so i can get even with Cola... Until now, i still hate her so much that i dont want her to be happy...
But partly, i dont want him back because i dont want to hurt myself anymore...
I already faced the fact that M doesnt love me...
he never did and he never will...
he wanted me bacause he needs me...
and im not sure if he will still want me if i dont attend to his needs...
i guess not.
i just miss him.... THAT's ALL!
and yes, i am still sad and lonely....
ohh, life....
if you ask me if i am feeling hurt, my answer would be ................... i don't know...
i admit i miss M...
i miss his sweetness...
i miss his E-Mails...
i miss his phone calls...
i miss his jokes....
BUT, i dont want him back anymore...
No... partly, i want him back so i can get even with Cola... Until now, i still hate her so much that i dont want her to be happy...
But partly, i dont want him back because i dont want to hurt myself anymore...
I already faced the fact that M doesnt love me...
he never did and he never will...
he wanted me bacause he needs me...
and im not sure if he will still want me if i dont attend to his needs...
i guess not.
i just miss him.... THAT's ALL!
and yes, i am still sad and lonely....
ohh, life....
Monday, November 13, 2006
things left unsaid
-----------------------------------
what i wanted to say to you:
-----------------------------------
1. I’ve been a good girl. i tried to be one, whether in front of you or not. i did whatever pleases you. i made time and exerted effort to appreciate you. and whenever i please and appreciate you, i do it without any expectations and in all sincerity.
2. i kept no secrets from you. you know everything about me, and i take extra effort, if you notice, to tell you everything I know, even if you don’t return the favor. sadly, you don't seem to notice.
3. i don't know about your expectations of me. or how i can measure up to your expectations. as far as i know, i met up with it. i am sorry if to you, I did not.
4. i am hurt. emotionally, i was hurt, which caused all the brouhaha. but the pain doubled (tripled!) when i realized you never give a damn to what I am feeling. it is always what “you” feel that matters to you. and you always wanted to receive the affection, love and care, rather than give them back.
5. 'No Regrets.' you know that I have the ‘no regrets’ policy. sadly, you were part of my 'no regrets'. i have no control over it. but in all uncertainty, whatever happens to me, as well as the result of my decisions, i am totally responsible for it.
6. I do not understand. I do not understand why after everything I gave and did for you, you still cheated on me. I hate to think and admit to myself that SEX is everything that matters to you. sadly, she is better than me on that Department.
7. I TRULY LOVED YOU. more than my husband. more than anyone else. but not anymore.
some things need no explaining, as what happened to us and why/how/when we ended into this. at present, i am still clueless. i am still clueless why something like that transpired.
i am still feeling bad about it. not because of the fact that I have loved you, but because of the end-result of it all.
in due time, i know we will have the chance to talk again and be friends again. but for now, the reality and the irony of the situations are staring at me in the face. it is teaching me something i am not yet sure of as of the moment.
of course, everything that happens to us is a learning experience.
i am patient and impatient at the moment. yet, the irony is making me insane…
until the time comes when our minds and hearts are open for a deeper connection, then we’ll have to make each other understand the reasons.
i’m silent yet still agitated. .. I just want you to know...
(sigh.)
;-(
what i wanted to say to you:
-----------------------------------
1. I’ve been a good girl. i tried to be one, whether in front of you or not. i did whatever pleases you. i made time and exerted effort to appreciate you. and whenever i please and appreciate you, i do it without any expectations and in all sincerity.
2. i kept no secrets from you. you know everything about me, and i take extra effort, if you notice, to tell you everything I know, even if you don’t return the favor. sadly, you don't seem to notice.
3. i don't know about your expectations of me. or how i can measure up to your expectations. as far as i know, i met up with it. i am sorry if to you, I did not.
4. i am hurt. emotionally, i was hurt, which caused all the brouhaha. but the pain doubled (tripled!) when i realized you never give a damn to what I am feeling. it is always what “you” feel that matters to you. and you always wanted to receive the affection, love and care, rather than give them back.
5. 'No Regrets.' you know that I have the ‘no regrets’ policy. sadly, you were part of my 'no regrets'. i have no control over it. but in all uncertainty, whatever happens to me, as well as the result of my decisions, i am totally responsible for it.
6. I do not understand. I do not understand why after everything I gave and did for you, you still cheated on me. I hate to think and admit to myself that SEX is everything that matters to you. sadly, she is better than me on that Department.
7. I TRULY LOVED YOU. more than my husband. more than anyone else. but not anymore.
some things need no explaining, as what happened to us and why/how/when we ended into this. at present, i am still clueless. i am still clueless why something like that transpired.
i am still feeling bad about it. not because of the fact that I have loved you, but because of the end-result of it all.
in due time, i know we will have the chance to talk again and be friends again. but for now, the reality and the irony of the situations are staring at me in the face. it is teaching me something i am not yet sure of as of the moment.
of course, everything that happens to us is a learning experience.
i am patient and impatient at the moment. yet, the irony is making me insane…
until the time comes when our minds and hearts are open for a deeper connection, then we’ll have to make each other understand the reasons.
i’m silent yet still agitated. .. I just want you to know...
(sigh.)
;-(
Saturday, November 11, 2006
The Bitch Deserves the Beast
-----
I have been trying to write something since the other week and up to now I only have scraps... I cannot seem to find the drive to write and describe what happened and yet I could feel my mind so full of them....
we had a chance to talk about what had happened ... he continued to deny everything ... he still said he was innocent and that he was not lying... Cola and him were not together that day...
last week, i gave him another chance... i forgive him...
i did that so i can gauge what i am really feeling towards him after the day of break-up...
i dont know if what i found out is good news or not....
..... i was not excited
..... i never care if he calls or e-mail me
..... there was no more spark
and oh, before i forget, M had separated with his wife... physically (not in papers yet)
and im glad its not because of me....
we were separated, too, when that happened....
I have been trying to write something since the other week and up to now I only have scraps... I cannot seem to find the drive to write and describe what happened and yet I could feel my mind so full of them....
we had a chance to talk about what had happened ... he continued to deny everything ... he still said he was innocent and that he was not lying... Cola and him were not together that day...
last week, i gave him another chance... i forgive him...
i did that so i can gauge what i am really feeling towards him after the day of break-up...
i dont know if what i found out is good news or not....
..... i was not excited
..... i never care if he calls or e-mail me
..... there was no more spark
and oh, before i forget, M had separated with his wife... physically (not in papers yet)
and im glad its not because of me....
we were separated, too, when that happened....
-
and you know why i gave him another chance?....
-
nope. not to own him completely...
-
i agree to be with him again because i dont want to give Cola the full triumph of having him completely.....
she doesnt deserve to be happy...
-
call me sadistic or selfish....
.
but a bitch like her doesnt deserve a man loving him alone....
.
(i am calling her bitch because thats what she is showing me whenever M is not around... a bitch!)
-
but sadly, our reconciliation didnt last longer than 5 days....
.
we fought again and i ended it again....
.
despite of him saying sorry repeatedly... i still ended it.
.
and this time, i dont care anymore if Cola would have him completely.
.
.
.
THE BITCH DESERVES THE BEAST!!!
.
tropical depression named M...
Tropical Depression
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(this was written a couple of days before i finally ended it all with M)
when it rains, it pours...
again, it started raining all over me since last week, then this week. i thought that it was a gentle downpour, just drenching me slightly to remind me that some things need attention…. but days of rain, of dark clouds and depressing situation made me realize that it was more than just a bad weather...
there really is a tropical depression named 'M'...
perhaps i am just exaggerating… perhaps, i am just magnifying things distraughtly… i just feel a little cynic at this moment though... the past week and this week had been very stormy for both of us... little things said and done just blew out of proportion until it got out of control..!
(though there was no physical explosion... just silent treatments and sharp words done in writing)
you may say that i am overacting just to catch his attention... or i am just trying to prove him wrong in many ways... maybe i am trying to prove him that i am right in many ways as well… but after all the agitation and melee, when this is over, it was me who gets drenched and hurt... and that happens ALL THE TIME.
for the past years, even in my hyperactive and restless mind, there was not a single moment that i felt i did not want or need or love 'M' at all… even in the roughest times, in the roughly jagged edges of the path we tread, and even in the stringest of weather, there was no other being more important to hold on to than he…
even if I mean it when I say he is… and will always be, my Storm Signal No. 3.
but it would be different this time.. I would no longer live forever in the rain… perhaps its about time I dream of the sun… and that would mean living a life without him around…. Totally without the storm…
for the longest time we’ve been together, on and off, I’ve been drenched enough… for the past years, I used to enjoy the rain… even if it drench me not just physically… it also douse my spirit and soul… and now, at last, I get too tired living with a tropical depression… my heart gets too tired with the storm…
when does a heart stop loving?
and when does a heart who gets bruised and welted and shattered still strive to live..?
honestly, I’m not yet sure when……………….. but it will happen…
meantime, i say to this heart:
"rest, my heart, and heal…. the storm will soon be over!"
..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(this was written a couple of days before i finally ended it all with M)
when it rains, it pours...
again, it started raining all over me since last week, then this week. i thought that it was a gentle downpour, just drenching me slightly to remind me that some things need attention…. but days of rain, of dark clouds and depressing situation made me realize that it was more than just a bad weather...
there really is a tropical depression named 'M'...
perhaps i am just exaggerating… perhaps, i am just magnifying things distraughtly… i just feel a little cynic at this moment though... the past week and this week had been very stormy for both of us... little things said and done just blew out of proportion until it got out of control..!
(though there was no physical explosion... just silent treatments and sharp words done in writing)
you may say that i am overacting just to catch his attention... or i am just trying to prove him wrong in many ways... maybe i am trying to prove him that i am right in many ways as well… but after all the agitation and melee, when this is over, it was me who gets drenched and hurt... and that happens ALL THE TIME.
for the past years, even in my hyperactive and restless mind, there was not a single moment that i felt i did not want or need or love 'M' at all… even in the roughest times, in the roughly jagged edges of the path we tread, and even in the stringest of weather, there was no other being more important to hold on to than he…
even if I mean it when I say he is… and will always be, my Storm Signal No. 3.
but it would be different this time.. I would no longer live forever in the rain… perhaps its about time I dream of the sun… and that would mean living a life without him around…. Totally without the storm…
for the longest time we’ve been together, on and off, I’ve been drenched enough… for the past years, I used to enjoy the rain… even if it drench me not just physically… it also douse my spirit and soul… and now, at last, I get too tired living with a tropical depression… my heart gets too tired with the storm…
when does a heart stop loving?
and when does a heart who gets bruised and welted and shattered still strive to live..?
honestly, I’m not yet sure when……………….. but it will happen…
meantime, i say to this heart:
"rest, my heart, and heal…. the storm will soon be over!"
..
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Karma
i think all that i've done is coming back to me now.....
i am now facing the consequences of all my actions, choices and decisions....
i have to be strong.
i deserve it.
.
i am now facing the consequences of all my actions, choices and decisions....
i have to be strong.
i deserve it.
.
lies
you may be wondering what happened...
me, too... i am still wondering why...
we were supposed to go out last Saturday.... during the week before that day, i am feeling so unusual... i dont know why but i really have this woman's instinct in me that never fails when it involves M... i know something is wrong or something would turn out wrong...
i was right...
Friday.... the day before our scheduled date, at past 5pm. i e-mailed M to say our usual daily goodbyes... very casually, he e-mailed back to let me know that he cant make it to our date tomorrow because he has to go to the province with his wife.
yes. he cancelled it the very last minute. he had all the day to let me know but he didnt. he cancelled it when i was about to go home. what if i didnt e-mail him and just went straight home?... i wouldnt know that i would be dating myself alone on Saturday.
to save my pride, i told him it was Ok... i told him i have other matters to attend to, anyway... but deep inside, i can sense that he was not telling the truth.
Saturday... i arrived at the office before lunch. he was already there. a few minutes after, i saw Cola coming. M becomes uneasy. at 1:30, he e-mailed me to say bye. at 2:00 pm, Cola was also gone.
my instinct was right. he was telling me lies again.
but i still give him the benefit of the doubt.
Monday... i told him it was over but we could remain friends... i told him he should not ask me why for if he do, i would ask him things that he should answer honestly. i told him i'd rather not confirm my doubts, coz if i do, i know i would hate him.
but that Monday night, his wife texted me. she asked me if i saw M last Saturday and what time he went home. i texted her 1:30.
when she texted back, my fear was confirmed... He went home beyond 5pm... or even later than that... she wouldnt know coz she was in the province..... all by herself.
Lie No. 2 was confirmed... he was not going with his wife... he cancelled our date to have a date with Cola.
i e-mailed it to him the following morning... for the nth time, he still lied and denied everything... but i did not believe him... i forced myself not to... i told him that it's really over between us... but now, we can no longer be friends... i cant give him another chance to hurt me this way again... i would be too stupid if i do that...
for 4 days, i did ignore him... seeing him is like seeing all the wasted years of my life spent loving him... all the pains he caused me in the past keeps on coming back... and i realized how stupid i was... how stupid i've become... because of him...
i am still hurting but i know i would be able to overcome this...
i am going to move on with my life.......
without him.
.
me, too... i am still wondering why...
we were supposed to go out last Saturday.... during the week before that day, i am feeling so unusual... i dont know why but i really have this woman's instinct in me that never fails when it involves M... i know something is wrong or something would turn out wrong...
i was right...
Friday.... the day before our scheduled date, at past 5pm. i e-mailed M to say our usual daily goodbyes... very casually, he e-mailed back to let me know that he cant make it to our date tomorrow because he has to go to the province with his wife.
yes. he cancelled it the very last minute. he had all the day to let me know but he didnt. he cancelled it when i was about to go home. what if i didnt e-mail him and just went straight home?... i wouldnt know that i would be dating myself alone on Saturday.
to save my pride, i told him it was Ok... i told him i have other matters to attend to, anyway... but deep inside, i can sense that he was not telling the truth.
Saturday... i arrived at the office before lunch. he was already there. a few minutes after, i saw Cola coming. M becomes uneasy. at 1:30, he e-mailed me to say bye. at 2:00 pm, Cola was also gone.
my instinct was right. he was telling me lies again.
but i still give him the benefit of the doubt.
Monday... i told him it was over but we could remain friends... i told him he should not ask me why for if he do, i would ask him things that he should answer honestly. i told him i'd rather not confirm my doubts, coz if i do, i know i would hate him.
but that Monday night, his wife texted me. she asked me if i saw M last Saturday and what time he went home. i texted her 1:30.
when she texted back, my fear was confirmed... He went home beyond 5pm... or even later than that... she wouldnt know coz she was in the province..... all by herself.
Lie No. 2 was confirmed... he was not going with his wife... he cancelled our date to have a date with Cola.
do you realize how much it hurts?... to be dumped by the one you love in favor with someone else......
it almost killed me....
all night, i didnt sleep... i keep on thinking and asking myself if he was worth all this pain... if he was worth all the love i gave him... i know the answers... and i know it has to end...
i e-mailed it to him the following morning... for the nth time, he still lied and denied everything... but i did not believe him... i forced myself not to... i told him that it's really over between us... but now, we can no longer be friends... i cant give him another chance to hurt me this way again... i would be too stupid if i do that...
for 4 days, i did ignore him... seeing him is like seeing all the wasted years of my life spent loving him... all the pains he caused me in the past keeps on coming back... and i realized how stupid i was... how stupid i've become... because of him...
i am still hurting but i know i would be able to overcome this...
i am going to move on with my life.......
without him.
.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
it's over...
i already ended the affair...
even if he told me he's not yet ready...
even if i'm not sure if i am ready...
i just felt that i need to...
there's no more room for pain...
can't talk about it yet...
it still hurts so bad .........................
i just want to let you know....
... it's over ............
.
even if he told me he's not yet ready...
even if i'm not sure if i am ready...
i just felt that i need to...
there's no more room for pain...
can't talk about it yet...
it still hurts so bad .........................
i just want to let you know....
... it's over ............
.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
letting go of M...
it's been awhile since i last make a post... quite lazy to write anything... well, i guess, i need to give you some updates...
last week, i told M that i feel our relationship is nearing its end... he doesnt want to believe... i told him im ready when he's ready to call it off... he said he's not yet ready and he doesnt want to talk about "the end"...
you may be surprised why the idea suddenly comes out from me... well, i dont know... i know i still love him... but, believe it or not and i don't know how it happened, the feeling had subside.. it is no longer as strong as it was before... i just realized this two weeks ago...
i no longer think much of him when he's not around... when i saw him again talking sweetly with Cola over the phone, the pain was already bearable... i even asked him if it was Cola he was talking to... and when he lied and denied it, i only got more disappointed with him...
i never demanded that my love for him be reciprocated... i am not asking for any affection in return... all i ever asked him was to be honest with me... no matter how the truth may hurt me, i still want his honesty... but until now, he cannot give that to me... and that's part of the grounds why i no longer see any reason why we still need to continue the affair...
the second reason is, he still thinks im still capable of playing around with somebody else aside from the Rock and him... and that hurts me so much... and i really feel humiliated... it only means that he doesnt believe that ive been doing that with him merely because i love him... and what hurts most is, Cola was the one doing that and yet, he never believes all the gossips that goes around regarding Cola... when i told him that, he told me he was just joking... i tried to believe him but the disappointment never leaves me...
the last reason: i'm tired...
i'm tired of being wanted only when needed...
i'm tired of being just a lover... a shock absorber... a problem solver...
i'm tired of him calling me when he's down and needy and then knowing that it was Cola who he calls first when he is happy and problem-free...
no, i'm not jealous ...
i'm just starting to accept the fact that he can't let go of me not because he loves me or he cares for me...
he can't let go of me.............
because i am the only one who answers his needs abruptly without even asking why....
because i am the only one who knows his worst side and yet accepts him with all my heart...
because i am the only one who turns the world upside down just to seek for answers on all his questions and desires...
he can't let go of me because he needs me so much......
and i'm tired...... of just being needed.... always.
i have not yet put an end to the affair... i want him to be ready when i do that... i want us to be both ready...
because once ended, i dont want to turn back again anymore... like we did in the past...
if i have to end it, i want it for good.... i want to close the door behind us... leaving it locked forever...
and i know, im getting quite ready for that....
.
last week, i told M that i feel our relationship is nearing its end... he doesnt want to believe... i told him im ready when he's ready to call it off... he said he's not yet ready and he doesnt want to talk about "the end"...
you may be surprised why the idea suddenly comes out from me... well, i dont know... i know i still love him... but, believe it or not and i don't know how it happened, the feeling had subside.. it is no longer as strong as it was before... i just realized this two weeks ago...
i no longer think much of him when he's not around... when i saw him again talking sweetly with Cola over the phone, the pain was already bearable... i even asked him if it was Cola he was talking to... and when he lied and denied it, i only got more disappointed with him...
i never demanded that my love for him be reciprocated... i am not asking for any affection in return... all i ever asked him was to be honest with me... no matter how the truth may hurt me, i still want his honesty... but until now, he cannot give that to me... and that's part of the grounds why i no longer see any reason why we still need to continue the affair...
the second reason is, he still thinks im still capable of playing around with somebody else aside from the Rock and him... and that hurts me so much... and i really feel humiliated... it only means that he doesnt believe that ive been doing that with him merely because i love him... and what hurts most is, Cola was the one doing that and yet, he never believes all the gossips that goes around regarding Cola... when i told him that, he told me he was just joking... i tried to believe him but the disappointment never leaves me...
the last reason: i'm tired...
i'm tired of being wanted only when needed...
i'm tired of being just a lover... a shock absorber... a problem solver...
i'm tired of him calling me when he's down and needy and then knowing that it was Cola who he calls first when he is happy and problem-free...
no, i'm not jealous ...
i'm just starting to accept the fact that he can't let go of me not because he loves me or he cares for me...
he can't let go of me.............
because i am the only one who answers his needs abruptly without even asking why....
because i am the only one who knows his worst side and yet accepts him with all my heart...
because i am the only one who turns the world upside down just to seek for answers on all his questions and desires...
he can't let go of me because he needs me so much......
and i'm tired...... of just being needed.... always.
i have not yet put an end to the affair... i want him to be ready when i do that... i want us to be both ready...
because once ended, i dont want to turn back again anymore... like we did in the past...
if i have to end it, i want it for good.... i want to close the door behind us... leaving it locked forever...
and i know, im getting quite ready for that....
.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
BLUE...
i'm kinda BLUE today.
i don't know why, as always...there are just days when you feel low and blue and floating and careless about other things than just yourself... you don't know the exact reason of the 'blue-ness,' you just feel it... these are days when you feel a donut hole inside you that needs to be filled... it's just that you don't know what will fill it up... and it seemed to take the life out of you, no matter how you try to pretend you're okay.
i wonder if I AM an isolated case...
how do i confirm the 'blue-ness..?'
1. i get senti on love songs! -- i get the feeling that the song was meant for me someway, somehow. and i get the stupid feeling of crying! like a singer was singing 'How Did You Know" and i wanted to cry just now! ... stupid, stupid girl... it is a wedding song, for christ sake!... it's supposed to be a happy song, it's a song for lovers in-love...and i feel blue hearing it!
2. i try to be jolly with people but the blue-ness doesn't go away! -- a friend just called and i feel okay on the phone, chatting with as much life as i could muster, yet when i put the phone down, i feel low again...
3. i get sick to my stomach. -- i don't have appetite at all. i could eat, but the food tastes bland. and even worse at times, i wanted to vomit... no kidding!... i just get sick, i feel i need to regurgitate!
4. i stare at blank spaces. -- for how long, i don't know. i just do. and i wanted to.
5. the classic sign: a heavy sigh. -- need i explain more?
6. nothing makes me laugh. -- everything is just so corny or stupid or crazy... nothing is really a joke!... i wonder where the laughter in my heart is lodged at the moment...?
7. i get irritated easily. -- don't you dare me...not at this point in time.
oh, i'm sure it's just mother nature taking its toll on me... perhaps hormonal. or seasonal... but the feeling stayed on... or perhaps i just need a time off for me, myself and i.
it must be God's way of reminding me to get a feel of Life... that life is not all about fun and happenings and laughter and satisfaction... life is sometimes sullen and sad and painful, or even just plain fleeting.
or maybe, well, if at all i need to cry, i will....
i don't know why, as always...there are just days when you feel low and blue and floating and careless about other things than just yourself... you don't know the exact reason of the 'blue-ness,' you just feel it... these are days when you feel a donut hole inside you that needs to be filled... it's just that you don't know what will fill it up... and it seemed to take the life out of you, no matter how you try to pretend you're okay.
i wonder if I AM an isolated case...
how do i confirm the 'blue-ness..?'
1. i get senti on love songs! -- i get the feeling that the song was meant for me someway, somehow. and i get the stupid feeling of crying! like a singer was singing 'How Did You Know" and i wanted to cry just now! ... stupid, stupid girl... it is a wedding song, for christ sake!... it's supposed to be a happy song, it's a song for lovers in-love...and i feel blue hearing it!
2. i try to be jolly with people but the blue-ness doesn't go away! -- a friend just called and i feel okay on the phone, chatting with as much life as i could muster, yet when i put the phone down, i feel low again...
3. i get sick to my stomach. -- i don't have appetite at all. i could eat, but the food tastes bland. and even worse at times, i wanted to vomit... no kidding!... i just get sick, i feel i need to regurgitate!
4. i stare at blank spaces. -- for how long, i don't know. i just do. and i wanted to.
5. the classic sign: a heavy sigh. -- need i explain more?
6. nothing makes me laugh. -- everything is just so corny or stupid or crazy... nothing is really a joke!... i wonder where the laughter in my heart is lodged at the moment...?
7. i get irritated easily. -- don't you dare me...not at this point in time.
oh, i'm sure it's just mother nature taking its toll on me... perhaps hormonal. or seasonal... but the feeling stayed on... or perhaps i just need a time off for me, myself and i.
it must be God's way of reminding me to get a feel of Life... that life is not all about fun and happenings and laughter and satisfaction... life is sometimes sullen and sad and painful, or even just plain fleeting.
or maybe, well, if at all i need to cry, i will....
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
To Leave or Not to Leave...
a few months ago, our Company have declared its intention to merge with our Parent Company in the near future to cut operational cost...
merging or co-location, as they term it, would mean possible employee lay-off due to job redundancies... and if you are one of us who have been working for the Company for the past 5 to 15 years, it is normal to be shocked by the news...
we will possibly lose not just the job we have grown to love for years but also the friends we have treated as brothers and sisters here... and we dreaded the coming of each day waiting for another announcements that would definitely change our lives...
last week, the news came...
it was announced that employees can now apply for a Special Early Retirement Offer that would give the approved employee the benefit of receiving a generous amount computed as
"basic salary X 200% X years of service"...
BUT there were conditions attached to the offer...
first, you can apply but there's no guarantee that you will be chosen... and those chosen ones but do not want the offer can still decline (we love our work!!!)...
second, our respective Managers/Dept. Head will choose who will qualify for the the Benefits ... they said these are the non-performing employees, whose absence will not be felt much by the Company... i bet anyone chosen will be insulted, rather than delighted...
third, even if you want to avail of the offer but you were identified as a critical employee, meaning they can't survive without you, you cannot avail of the offer... sadly, i belong here and i realized that being good at work does not really pays off all the time... remember my "Im Confused" post?... they never allowed me to move to the other department where i know i could grow... and it really makes me sad until now... (k, so much for that)...
fourth, the list of the chosen ones should be submitted this Friday, barely two weeks after the announcement... and you must leave the Company by the closing hour of September 30... (wow, that was too fast)...
from being sad, employees are now confused... that was a big amount to begin a new life with, anyway... but the million dollar decision to make is whether:
TO LEAVE OR NOT TO LEAVE
3 more days to go before we know the final verdict...
merging or co-location, as they term it, would mean possible employee lay-off due to job redundancies... and if you are one of us who have been working for the Company for the past 5 to 15 years, it is normal to be shocked by the news...
we will possibly lose not just the job we have grown to love for years but also the friends we have treated as brothers and sisters here... and we dreaded the coming of each day waiting for another announcements that would definitely change our lives...
last week, the news came...
it was announced that employees can now apply for a Special Early Retirement Offer that would give the approved employee the benefit of receiving a generous amount computed as
"basic salary X 200% X years of service"...
BUT there were conditions attached to the offer...
first, you can apply but there's no guarantee that you will be chosen... and those chosen ones but do not want the offer can still decline (we love our work!!!)...
second, our respective Managers/Dept. Head will choose who will qualify for the the Benefits ... they said these are the non-performing employees, whose absence will not be felt much by the Company... i bet anyone chosen will be insulted, rather than delighted...
third, even if you want to avail of the offer but you were identified as a critical employee, meaning they can't survive without you, you cannot avail of the offer... sadly, i belong here and i realized that being good at work does not really pays off all the time... remember my "Im Confused" post?... they never allowed me to move to the other department where i know i could grow... and it really makes me sad until now... (k, so much for that)...
fourth, the list of the chosen ones should be submitted this Friday, barely two weeks after the announcement... and you must leave the Company by the closing hour of September 30... (wow, that was too fast)...
from being sad, employees are now confused... that was a big amount to begin a new life with, anyway... but the million dollar decision to make is whether:
TO LEAVE OR NOT TO LEAVE
3 more days to go before we know the final verdict...
the fourth time....
last Saturday, i was in the office with a few officemates (including Cola) for an overtime when the phone rings...
it was M...
he asked me if i wanted to spend a few hours with him...
what do you expect?... of course, i said yes...
we went to the same Motel we also went to the 2nd time we did it...
and, yes, we did it again... twice!...
it was really not magical like before but it was fulfilling... and i was happy!.. i guess that's what really matters, huh... i was happy just because of the fact that i was with him... even if we just lie down there not doing anything, i would still be happy... because he was with me...
if you would asked me if i now feel loved by him coz he asked me out...
the answer would still be NO...
but who cares?... even if he does not really love me at all or even if he tells me straight to my face that our feelings is really not mutual, i would still be in love with him...
my feelings would not be changed by the fact that he was not feeling the same...
my love for him was unconditional... i am happy just to be with him...
and during those moments that his arms are wrapped around me, i feel secured and all pains simply melt away...
it was M...
he asked me if i wanted to spend a few hours with him...
what do you expect?... of course, i said yes...
we went to the same Motel we also went to the 2nd time we did it...
and, yes, we did it again... twice!...
it was really not magical like before but it was fulfilling... and i was happy!.. i guess that's what really matters, huh... i was happy just because of the fact that i was with him... even if we just lie down there not doing anything, i would still be happy... because he was with me...
if you would asked me if i now feel loved by him coz he asked me out...
the answer would still be NO...
but who cares?... even if he does not really love me at all or even if he tells me straight to my face that our feelings is really not mutual, i would still be in love with him...
my feelings would not be changed by the fact that he was not feeling the same...
my love for him was unconditional... i am happy just to be with him...
and during those moments that his arms are wrapped around me, i feel secured and all pains simply melt away...
Saturday, August 19, 2006
a few minutes after i wrote and posted my entry yesterday, M e-mailed me... He said he was on a half day and asked me how i was doing... i didnt respond... he e-mailed me again and told me he took a peep on our Department and saw me (yes, i saw him do that) ... he said i looked good.. i still didnt respond...
then he called...
he asked me if there was something wrong... i answered, "nothing"... but he didnt give up... he said he knew there was something wrong but couldnt figure it out... he asked if i was angry with him... i said "yes"... i said i was angry because he didnt even bothered to say "hi" the whole day... he repeated that he was on a halfday and was called on a meeting as soon as he arrived... i didnt answer... i could not tell him about what i saw... about the phone converstaion he seemed to have with Cola... he said "sorry" and didnt hang up the phone until i said he was already forgiven...
and really, i forgive him....
call me stupid... but i really couldnt stay angry at him for a long time... i just couldnt force myself to do that... too many times i tried... but failed...
maybe, i just love him so much...
then he called...
he asked me if there was something wrong... i answered, "nothing"... but he didnt give up... he said he knew there was something wrong but couldnt figure it out... he asked if i was angry with him... i said "yes"... i said i was angry because he didnt even bothered to say "hi" the whole day... he repeated that he was on a halfday and was called on a meeting as soon as he arrived... i didnt answer... i could not tell him about what i saw... about the phone converstaion he seemed to have with Cola... he said "sorry" and didnt hang up the phone until i said he was already forgiven...
and really, i forgive him....
call me stupid... but i really couldnt stay angry at him for a long time... i just couldnt force myself to do that... too many times i tried... but failed...
maybe, i just love him so much...
Friday, August 18, 2006
have you ever felt like someone has punched you on the chest and you just cant breath and all you can do was cry and grasp for air?... i am feeling like that just now... or even more than that... i feel like i can no longer bear the pain... its just too painful than before...
before, i have accepted the fact that he and cola are sharing sweet music together, just like he is with me... i have accepted that because i cant make him choose... i am afraid on the decision he would come up to... i know she is now a part of his life... just like i am...
i dont want to let go of him coz that would give Cola the trophy of having him alone... and id rather have it this way... at least, she and i are on equal footing...
but i guess, merely knowing and accepting the fact is very much different than ACTUALLY seeing it before your eyes...
i know M is trying his best to equally divide the time and attention he is giving Cola and me... i am so happy each time he spends his day e-mailing and calling me on the phone... i always feel a sense of triumph that i am having more of his time than Cola could get...
but there are also times that its the other way around... just like today... he hasnt e-mailed me yet... not even a single message... and when i went to their Department, he is busy chatting on the phone that he didnt even notice me... i know it was Cola he was talking to... but i still went to Cola's Department to check... i was hoping that my intution was wrong... i was praying so hard... but yes, i was correct... i can see in Cola's eyes that it was M he was talking to...
and i was so hurt... i was so hurt i didnt notice that i was already crying... i was so hurt that i feel like i would just fall and collapse... the pain was unexplainable and unbearable... its like my heart is being stab by a million sharp oblects... that i dont even know what object was that... i dont know how can i let you feel the pain i am feeling now so you will understand...
i am hurting but i am still loving him... and that's what doubles the pain...
God, i wanted to die...
before, i have accepted the fact that he and cola are sharing sweet music together, just like he is with me... i have accepted that because i cant make him choose... i am afraid on the decision he would come up to... i know she is now a part of his life... just like i am...
i dont want to let go of him coz that would give Cola the trophy of having him alone... and id rather have it this way... at least, she and i are on equal footing...
but i guess, merely knowing and accepting the fact is very much different than ACTUALLY seeing it before your eyes...
i know M is trying his best to equally divide the time and attention he is giving Cola and me... i am so happy each time he spends his day e-mailing and calling me on the phone... i always feel a sense of triumph that i am having more of his time than Cola could get...
but there are also times that its the other way around... just like today... he hasnt e-mailed me yet... not even a single message... and when i went to their Department, he is busy chatting on the phone that he didnt even notice me... i know it was Cola he was talking to... but i still went to Cola's Department to check... i was hoping that my intution was wrong... i was praying so hard... but yes, i was correct... i can see in Cola's eyes that it was M he was talking to...
and i was so hurt... i was so hurt i didnt notice that i was already crying... i was so hurt that i feel like i would just fall and collapse... the pain was unexplainable and unbearable... its like my heart is being stab by a million sharp oblects... that i dont even know what object was that... i dont know how can i let you feel the pain i am feeling now so you will understand...
i am hurting but i am still loving him... and that's what doubles the pain...
God, i wanted to die...
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Let's Put an END to This...
Ok, i never really wanted to create pool of enemies in the blog world.. i created my blog to unload and express myself and not to add additional burden or worry to think about...
I will end this issue with these notes:
1. My apology for those who have been affected and/or insulted by the entries on this blog... i repeat, it is just here for me to express myself and not to please anyone... feel free to read and if you dont like it, you can leave anytime... thanks for visiting...
2. I am not perfect... im just human... i may be doing things that you, people, wont like but THIS IS ME... and this is MY LIFE... it may be unacceptable and immoral in your opinion (and i accept and respect that) BUT this is still MY LIFE and i am entitled to live it in any way i like it... please accept that... you cannot just change ALL the people in the world just because you know what is right and what is wrong... we also know that but because of uncontrollable reasons, we cannot or its hard for us to choose...
3. I am having an affair with a married man BUT i am not his mistress since i am not living with him... we rarely go out to be with each other and we only communicate thru E-Mail... and i have no intention or plan or whatsoever, to hurt his family or to make him leave his family... with or without me, things will still be the same for them...
5. This is very important.. . let me clear to all of you, especially to the the other anonymous who keeps on insisting that i use a vibrator... my affair with M existed because of LOVE and NOT just because of SEX... i have loved him even before i met my husband... i lost him because of my love to a friend... and i regret giving him up before so as not to hurt someone else's feelings... but until now, that LOVE for him keeps on burning which i can no longer control... i can be with him and be happy even without the sex... we've been together for almost 4 years and we only made love 3 times... I HAVE NOT AND WILL NEVER GIVE MYSELF TO ANYONE OR TO ANYTHING WITHOUT LOVE IN MY HEART... so keep your vibrator to yourself... i will never use that...
This will be the last time i would comment on this issue... Let's put it to rest... Just dont read my blog if it affects you... if it makes you angry or upset... or if you consider me immoral or a bad woman... i am not trying to be a friend to the whole universe... I AM JUST BEING ME... i am thankful for those who have accepted me or for those who cant accept but still respected me...
This is my story, my expression, my pains, my joys and my life... i opened it for you to read but not to change... you have your own... mind it..
Regards to all....
I will end this issue with these notes:
1. My apology for those who have been affected and/or insulted by the entries on this blog... i repeat, it is just here for me to express myself and not to please anyone... feel free to read and if you dont like it, you can leave anytime... thanks for visiting...
2. I am not perfect... im just human... i may be doing things that you, people, wont like but THIS IS ME... and this is MY LIFE... it may be unacceptable and immoral in your opinion (and i accept and respect that) BUT this is still MY LIFE and i am entitled to live it in any way i like it... please accept that... you cannot just change ALL the people in the world just because you know what is right and what is wrong... we also know that but because of uncontrollable reasons, we cannot or its hard for us to choose...
3. I am having an affair with a married man BUT i am not his mistress since i am not living with him... we rarely go out to be with each other and we only communicate thru E-Mail... and i have no intention or plan or whatsoever, to hurt his family or to make him leave his family... with or without me, things will still be the same for them...
4. I also believe in Karma but dont worry, people, coz i will be the one to face the consequences of my actions... NOT YOU...
5. This is very important.. . let me clear to all of you, especially to the the other anonymous who keeps on insisting that i use a vibrator... my affair with M existed because of LOVE and NOT just because of SEX... i have loved him even before i met my husband... i lost him because of my love to a friend... and i regret giving him up before so as not to hurt someone else's feelings... but until now, that LOVE for him keeps on burning which i can no longer control... i can be with him and be happy even without the sex... we've been together for almost 4 years and we only made love 3 times... I HAVE NOT AND WILL NEVER GIVE MYSELF TO ANYONE OR TO ANYTHING WITHOUT LOVE IN MY HEART... so keep your vibrator to yourself... i will never use that...
This will be the last time i would comment on this issue... Let's put it to rest... Just dont read my blog if it affects you... if it makes you angry or upset... or if you consider me immoral or a bad woman... i am not trying to be a friend to the whole universe... I AM JUST BEING ME... i am thankful for those who have accepted me or for those who cant accept but still respected me...
This is my story, my expression, my pains, my joys and my life... i opened it for you to read but not to change... you have your own... mind it..
Regards to all....
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Shattered
i just want to make this clear...
i created this blog for the purpose of posting what i WANTED to post...
for my self-fullfilment and satisfaction...
as my OWN outlet where i can pour out the contents of my heart when i can no longer carry them...
it is NOT created to please anyone... or to satisfy the readers by writing what they wanted to read... or by changing what i really am just to get accepted and liked...
I am not forcing anyone to appreciate me and everything i wrote...
Feel free to read...
if you like it, thank you.... you are always welcome to come back...
if you don't like it, no one is forcing you to stay and continue reading...
you can always click the "next blog" button... by all means, leave my blog!!
i don't mind... i don't really mind...
perhaps, it would really be better if you would just leave my blog alone!!...
you can always leave a comment... whether good or bad, i will appreciate it... everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, anyway... and i respect that.... as much as i respect my readers...
BUT PLEASE, DON'T JUDGE ME AS I WAS NOT JUDGING YOU....
AND DON'T PUT A LINK ON THIS BLOG AND THEN SHARE TO YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT OF ME!... you have no right to talk about me when you dont even know who i am...
Maybe, its not hard to practice a little courtesy of asking my permission if i wanted my blog to be shared to others while criticizing me... that's a form of gossiping... and you talk about characters, huh....
it was not my fault if my reader's lives were shattered.... or if you happen to have a husband who is cheating on you...
i was not your husband's mistress so dont fire your anger on me...
and instead of getting angry to all blog owners that you come across with, who are having an affair, try searching your own self why you were cheated...
i stated my reason why i cheated my husband... your husband may also have his reason why he did that... he wont fool around if he is perfectly happy with you...
stop blaming the mistress... look deep within you... it might also be your fault why your life was shattered....
i created this blog for the purpose of posting what i WANTED to post...
for my self-fullfilment and satisfaction...
as my OWN outlet where i can pour out the contents of my heart when i can no longer carry them...
it is NOT created to please anyone... or to satisfy the readers by writing what they wanted to read... or by changing what i really am just to get accepted and liked...
I am not forcing anyone to appreciate me and everything i wrote...
Feel free to read...
if you like it, thank you.... you are always welcome to come back...
if you don't like it, no one is forcing you to stay and continue reading...
you can always click the "next blog" button... by all means, leave my blog!!
i don't mind... i don't really mind...
perhaps, it would really be better if you would just leave my blog alone!!...
you can always leave a comment... whether good or bad, i will appreciate it... everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion, anyway... and i respect that.... as much as i respect my readers...
BUT PLEASE, DON'T JUDGE ME AS I WAS NOT JUDGING YOU....
AND DON'T PUT A LINK ON THIS BLOG AND THEN SHARE TO YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT OF ME!... you have no right to talk about me when you dont even know who i am...
Maybe, its not hard to practice a little courtesy of asking my permission if i wanted my blog to be shared to others while criticizing me... that's a form of gossiping... and you talk about characters, huh....
it was not my fault if my reader's lives were shattered.... or if you happen to have a husband who is cheating on you...
i was not your husband's mistress so dont fire your anger on me...
and instead of getting angry to all blog owners that you come across with, who are having an affair, try searching your own self why you were cheated...
i stated my reason why i cheated my husband... your husband may also have his reason why he did that... he wont fool around if he is perfectly happy with you...
stop blaming the mistress... look deep within you... it might also be your fault why your life was shattered....
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
the story of us....
maybe i should give some background on my story... about M, my lover and the Rock, my husband, so you would understand better all my posts... promise, i will make it very brief and concise....
M was my ultimate crush when i was still single... The Rock was my best friend... we all belong to one circle of friends... M and the Rock are on the same Department and we are all in the same Company... M had an involvement with our other friend, OD... During that time, the Rock courted me... then our friend OD and M broke up... OD was still very much in-love with M when the break-up happened... M courted me, too, simultaneous with the Rock...
I was still crazy over M but the Rock was too kind and sweet and really a husband material... besides, i was thinking of OD... she was a close friend so i do not really want to hurt her...
So despite of my stronger feelings with M, i chose the Rock over him.... OD was grateful with my decision coz she still wants M back... but M doesnt want her anymore... after a few months, M had another girlfriend which we do not know... M got her pregnant and married her... OD was really devastated... and i became M's wife's friend...
2 years after, the Rock and I also got married... then i got pregnant... after i gave birth to my first child and after going back to work, M started courting me again without my husband's and his wife's (who is now my friend) knowledge... that was when i realized that my feelings for him have not changed... it is still as strong as before...
to make the story short, it became US... but our relationship was very platonic... at least during that time...
a year after, M met Cola, a new employee with a reputation of fucking anyone who ask her out... she's not very pretty but has a sexy body... and according to all the men she had made love with, she was so good in bed (i'm not!) ... may be the reason why men are drooling over her... including M... i found out that they, M and Cola, was in a relationship so i broke up with M...
finding out about their relationship and breaking up with him was the most painful thing i have ever felt... it really crushed me but i have to hide what i was feeling... nobody knows about my relationship with M... so you should know how difficult it was for me to carry all the hurt alone...
i had a problem with the Rock... for 11 months (since the day i gave birth), he never touched me... no sex at all... M started e-mailing me again and then we became friends until we got back together again... Cola and him are still sharing something special... but i accepted that because i realized i could not live without M... anyway, Cola could give him what i could not.... sex... im still afraid to do it with him during that time...
when M started sharing to me his problems about his nagging wife whom he confessed he really do not love, i also shared with him my problem regarding the Rock... (now, maybe you're getting the idea why i called him the Rock... he has no strong feelings sexually... he can stand without having sex for almost a year... now, dont blame me why i am in this relationship with M)...
after 11 months of no sex at all, the Rock made up with me... and that's how i got pregnant with my second child...
during that time, i still have no sexual relationship with M... it was still platonic... but our relationship did not end on my 2nd preganancy... it was still there until i came back to work...
M and i got even closer... and 6 months after giving birth to my 2nd child, we finally made love... and it was very much different with the sex i had with the Rock... the one with M was more satisfying and adventurous... the one with the Rock only lasted for 3 minutes and i never really felt satisfied.. i dont "come" with him... with M, 3 hours is not even enough....
but because M had a wife and i have my own husband and M was also involved with Cola, we never do "it" as often as we want... we have done it only thrice... but that 3 times was the best sex i ever had... and after doing it with me, M rarely go out with Cola anymore... they just talk thru e-mail... well, at least that's what i know...
and the Rock and I are still together... he still do not know about M and I... and i hope he would never know... i still do love him and i have no intention of leaving him... he's kind and a good husband (in some aspects) and a good father... but i also have my needs physically, emotionally and sexually, which he could not satisfy... and i also love M ... in a deeper and different manner...
so, basically, that's the story of Cola, M, the Rock and me...
i hope i was able to make you understand...
M was my ultimate crush when i was still single... The Rock was my best friend... we all belong to one circle of friends... M and the Rock are on the same Department and we are all in the same Company... M had an involvement with our other friend, OD... During that time, the Rock courted me... then our friend OD and M broke up... OD was still very much in-love with M when the break-up happened... M courted me, too, simultaneous with the Rock...
I was still crazy over M but the Rock was too kind and sweet and really a husband material... besides, i was thinking of OD... she was a close friend so i do not really want to hurt her...
So despite of my stronger feelings with M, i chose the Rock over him.... OD was grateful with my decision coz she still wants M back... but M doesnt want her anymore... after a few months, M had another girlfriend which we do not know... M got her pregnant and married her... OD was really devastated... and i became M's wife's friend...
2 years after, the Rock and I also got married... then i got pregnant... after i gave birth to my first child and after going back to work, M started courting me again without my husband's and his wife's (who is now my friend) knowledge... that was when i realized that my feelings for him have not changed... it is still as strong as before...
to make the story short, it became US... but our relationship was very platonic... at least during that time...
a year after, M met Cola, a new employee with a reputation of fucking anyone who ask her out... she's not very pretty but has a sexy body... and according to all the men she had made love with, she was so good in bed (i'm not!) ... may be the reason why men are drooling over her... including M... i found out that they, M and Cola, was in a relationship so i broke up with M...
finding out about their relationship and breaking up with him was the most painful thing i have ever felt... it really crushed me but i have to hide what i was feeling... nobody knows about my relationship with M... so you should know how difficult it was for me to carry all the hurt alone...
i had a problem with the Rock... for 11 months (since the day i gave birth), he never touched me... no sex at all... M started e-mailing me again and then we became friends until we got back together again... Cola and him are still sharing something special... but i accepted that because i realized i could not live without M... anyway, Cola could give him what i could not.... sex... im still afraid to do it with him during that time...
when M started sharing to me his problems about his nagging wife whom he confessed he really do not love, i also shared with him my problem regarding the Rock... (now, maybe you're getting the idea why i called him the Rock... he has no strong feelings sexually... he can stand without having sex for almost a year... now, dont blame me why i am in this relationship with M)...
after 11 months of no sex at all, the Rock made up with me... and that's how i got pregnant with my second child...
during that time, i still have no sexual relationship with M... it was still platonic... but our relationship did not end on my 2nd preganancy... it was still there until i came back to work...
M and i got even closer... and 6 months after giving birth to my 2nd child, we finally made love... and it was very much different with the sex i had with the Rock... the one with M was more satisfying and adventurous... the one with the Rock only lasted for 3 minutes and i never really felt satisfied.. i dont "come" with him... with M, 3 hours is not even enough....
but because M had a wife and i have my own husband and M was also involved with Cola, we never do "it" as often as we want... we have done it only thrice... but that 3 times was the best sex i ever had... and after doing it with me, M rarely go out with Cola anymore... they just talk thru e-mail... well, at least that's what i know...
and the Rock and I are still together... he still do not know about M and I... and i hope he would never know... i still do love him and i have no intention of leaving him... he's kind and a good husband (in some aspects) and a good father... but i also have my needs physically, emotionally and sexually, which he could not satisfy... and i also love M ... in a deeper and different manner...
so, basically, that's the story of Cola, M, the Rock and me...
i hope i was able to make you understand...
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Awhile ago, i forwarded this Article to M thru E-Mail :
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.
He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.
As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him.
The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.
Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled,
"Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly,
"No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had
been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL OF THE STORY :
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.
We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
And M e-mailed me back with this :
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.
He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.
As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him.
The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.
Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled,
"Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly,
"No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had
been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL OF THE STORY :
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.
We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
And M e-mailed me back with this :
" yes i can, with you.. beside me.."
and all the doubts and pains he caused me had simply melt away....
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i'm tired....
M didn't say goodbye again last night... he just disappeared...
and cola, his other girl, is also not around anymore... maybe, they're together... i hope they go together in hell...
its always like that... if he's not with me, he's playing with her.... then after a few days, he'll come back if he needs favor or some sweet loving from me... and i will be just plain stupid to welcome him again and again with open arms and loving heart... completely forgetting all the pains he had caused me...
just plain stupid me... why does it have to be this way?... why do i have to be like this?..
i only wanted to be loved...
God, i'm tired....
and cola, his other girl, is also not around anymore... maybe, they're together... i hope they go together in hell...
its always like that... if he's not with me, he's playing with her.... then after a few days, he'll come back if he needs favor or some sweet loving from me... and i will be just plain stupid to welcome him again and again with open arms and loving heart... completely forgetting all the pains he had caused me...
just plain stupid me... why does it have to be this way?... why do i have to be like this?..
i only wanted to be loved...
God, i'm tired....
im confused...
today, i need to make one of the hardest and most crucial decision of my life...
a new job is being offered to me... as Business Analyst from our Systems Department...
if i accept the offer, these are the effects on me:
Neutral Effect
- no change in salary and level
- change department from Treasury to MISD
- transfer from a kind boss to another kind boss
Positive Effect
- i can now practice what i have studied and finished in College
- brighter future since the position is more marketable as IT person
- sure job a year from now
- new work, new environment, new challenge
Negative Effect
- i will lose my authority as a Supervisor
- i will lose some of my privilege like blogging anytime and being boss to my boss
- i will lose my spacious working area
i dont know where to categorize this one:
- possibility of being away or having less time with M which would mean
- my marriage would be saved
- freedom from M
- less or no pain from M
i really dont know what to do...
can you help me, people?...
a new job is being offered to me... as Business Analyst from our Systems Department...
if i accept the offer, these are the effects on me:
Neutral Effect
- no change in salary and level
- change department from Treasury to MISD
- transfer from a kind boss to another kind boss
Positive Effect
- i can now practice what i have studied and finished in College
- brighter future since the position is more marketable as IT person
- sure job a year from now
- new work, new environment, new challenge
Negative Effect
- i will lose my authority as a Supervisor
- i will lose some of my privilege like blogging anytime and being boss to my boss
- i will lose my spacious working area
i dont know where to categorize this one:
- possibility of being away or having less time with M which would mean
- my marriage would be saved
- freedom from M
- less or no pain from M
i really dont know what to do...
can you help me, people?...
recap
its been quite a while since i last updated my blog... just to give you recap:
Thursday, July 13
M was back to his old self... he constantly e-mailed me from morning until the end of the day... and that was non-stop... sharing me his thoughts and being just sweet....
Friday, July 14
M was Ok in the morning... he continued to e-mail me minute per minute... but in the afternoon, he was in a bad mood... just before office hours end, he e-mailed me that he cannot attend the bowling tournament because he had a headache... and i was shocked... we, the team, needed him badly because that was the semi final round.. so i pleaded him to come...
and i regret doing that... he played badly... his score was very low and so does his mood... he never talked to me the entire evening and he went home without even saying goodbye... he was so devastated because of how he played... and partly, i blamed myself... his top ten standing would surely be affected... as i mentioned before, he was number 1... and i know, WAS is the right term to use...
i felt bad that the Team lost the game... we will compete next week for the runner-up standing and not for the No. 1 position...
but i felt even worse for m... because i know that he already lost his chance of having that number 1 trophy...
Over the weekend, i was thinking of him...
Monday, July 17
i didnt get enough sleep so i took a leave in the morning... my husband, the Rock (as i will call him here), also did... and oh, i think i never mentioned that the Rock and M is on the same Department...
When the Rock and I came to office in the afternoon... M was in an unusual mood again... he barely talked or e-mailed me... He just asked why the Rock and I were never able to report to work in the morning and give a hint that he is thinking that we did something the night before... how i wish that it was jealousy that's eating him... he never showed that emotion to me... not ever...
and when i told him that we didnt do anything the night before... he never e-mailed back...
Late afternoon, the result of bowling came out... it was already the final standing for individual bowlers... From being No. 1 consistently, he dropped to No. 10 (as the final standing)... that was because of his poor play last Friday... i know he took it badly...
Ironically, the Rock got the number 1 position...
M went home without saying goodbye...
Tuesday, July 18
today, all he ever e-mailed me was "good morning"... and its almost 4pm...
i feel sad... and i wish we could fix this soon...
Thursday, July 13
M was back to his old self... he constantly e-mailed me from morning until the end of the day... and that was non-stop... sharing me his thoughts and being just sweet....
Friday, July 14
M was Ok in the morning... he continued to e-mail me minute per minute... but in the afternoon, he was in a bad mood... just before office hours end, he e-mailed me that he cannot attend the bowling tournament because he had a headache... and i was shocked... we, the team, needed him badly because that was the semi final round.. so i pleaded him to come...
and i regret doing that... he played badly... his score was very low and so does his mood... he never talked to me the entire evening and he went home without even saying goodbye... he was so devastated because of how he played... and partly, i blamed myself... his top ten standing would surely be affected... as i mentioned before, he was number 1... and i know, WAS is the right term to use...
i felt bad that the Team lost the game... we will compete next week for the runner-up standing and not for the No. 1 position...
but i felt even worse for m... because i know that he already lost his chance of having that number 1 trophy...
Over the weekend, i was thinking of him...
Monday, July 17
i didnt get enough sleep so i took a leave in the morning... my husband, the Rock (as i will call him here), also did... and oh, i think i never mentioned that the Rock and M is on the same Department...
When the Rock and I came to office in the afternoon... M was in an unusual mood again... he barely talked or e-mailed me... He just asked why the Rock and I were never able to report to work in the morning and give a hint that he is thinking that we did something the night before... how i wish that it was jealousy that's eating him... he never showed that emotion to me... not ever...
and when i told him that we didnt do anything the night before... he never e-mailed back...
Late afternoon, the result of bowling came out... it was already the final standing for individual bowlers... From being No. 1 consistently, he dropped to No. 10 (as the final standing)... that was because of his poor play last Friday... i know he took it badly...
Ironically, the Rock got the number 1 position...
M went home without saying goodbye...
Tuesday, July 18
today, all he ever e-mailed me was "good morning"... and its almost 4pm...
i feel sad... and i wish we could fix this soon...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
it's cold...
i have not seen M for 4 days and i was dying to see him... but it seems he doesnt feel the same...
or im just being paranoid.....
he's busy... i guess he is... that's why all he ever e-mailed me was "good Morning" and "talk to you later"... that was this morning... almost 8 hours ago... until now, he hasnt e-mailed me again...
i miss him....
i guess the cold weather has worsen my longing... how i wanted to be touched... to be hugged ... and be kissed by him...
i miss him.... so much...
but all i could do right now is to wait.... nothing else...
or im just being paranoid.....
he's busy... i guess he is... that's why all he ever e-mailed me was "good Morning" and "talk to you later"... that was this morning... almost 8 hours ago... until now, he hasnt e-mailed me again...
i miss him....
i guess the cold weather has worsen my longing... how i wanted to be touched... to be hugged ... and be kissed by him...
i miss him.... so much...
but all i could do right now is to wait.... nothing else...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
bowling without him
i told jazzy that i knew he would come to the bowling tournament last night... i said i can feel it... but my senses failed me... he did not...
our team though, managed to win with 2-1 score ... but we needed to win by 3-0 so we can be sure of a greater chance in the championship... but as i have said, without M, it would be difficult for the team.. and it really was...
but i do understand why he didnt come... travel from the province to here is 4 hours and he needs to go back again after the game which would mean another 4 hours on the road... that would require a great sacrifice for him considering the bus fare he has to pay is another issue from the effort he has to exert just to be able to play...
our Team may hate you, M... but i still do love you...
anyway, we still have our last chance next Friday... you have all my support... mwah!
and hey, i did fairly good last night... i did concentrate on the game to get my mind away from you... at least that's some good news out of the bad one, huh...
k, see you on Monday, M... im dying to let you know how much i miss you...
and i hope you also do...
our team though, managed to win with 2-1 score ... but we needed to win by 3-0 so we can be sure of a greater chance in the championship... but as i have said, without M, it would be difficult for the team.. and it really was...
but i do understand why he didnt come... travel from the province to here is 4 hours and he needs to go back again after the game which would mean another 4 hours on the road... that would require a great sacrifice for him considering the bus fare he has to pay is another issue from the effort he has to exert just to be able to play...
our Team may hate you, M... but i still do love you...
anyway, we still have our last chance next Friday... you have all my support... mwah!
and hey, i did fairly good last night... i did concentrate on the game to get my mind away from you... at least that's some good news out of the bad one, huh...
k, see you on Monday, M... im dying to let you know how much i miss you...
and i hope you also do...
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Bad Hair Day...
i had my hair straightened last Saturday and it cost me quite a huge amount... but now how i wish i hadnt... it lost its natural body and bounce... and its not really straight...
now its like i am wearing a broom over my head and its now very hard to manage...
i want my old hair back... but i know it would take months again before it came back to its original shape...
i hate my hair...
now its like i am wearing a broom over my head and its now very hard to manage...
i want my old hair back... but i know it would take months again before it came back to its original shape...
i hate my hair...
i miss M
M is in the province right now... after the talk we had the other day, he changed a bit... at least for the better... he called me yesterday to let me know that he will be on leave for 2 days (thursday and friday) ...
friday is bowling day and we are on the same team... he is #1 on the current ranking of male bowlers... our team is #2 on Group A Teams and we are trying to hit the # 1 slot before the championship 2 weeks from now... but without M around, i dont think our team could make it... he is our no.1 score producer...
i told him to try to return on Friday afternoon to attend the bowling tournament... he said he will... and i hope he will... not just for the team... but also for me... that's the only time we can be closely together in public and i cherish every moment of it...
if he doesnt make it tomorrow, i will miss him... in fact, i am already missing him right now...
life is really sad without him around....
friday is bowling day and we are on the same team... he is #1 on the current ranking of male bowlers... our team is #2 on Group A Teams and we are trying to hit the # 1 slot before the championship 2 weeks from now... but without M around, i dont think our team could make it... he is our no.1 score producer...
i told him to try to return on Friday afternoon to attend the bowling tournament... he said he will... and i hope he will... not just for the team... but also for me... that's the only time we can be closely together in public and i cherish every moment of it...
if he doesnt make it tomorrow, i will miss him... in fact, i am already missing him right now...
life is really sad without him around....
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
who knows?
but at least, he said sorry... and that means a lot to me...
just got to learn to go on without much of him around...
who knows, i may suddenly realize one day that i could already live without him in my life... completely !!!
i am waiting for that day to come ...
i wanted so much to be free!!!
just got to learn to go on without much of him around...
who knows, i may suddenly realize one day that i could already live without him in my life... completely !!!
i am waiting for that day to come ...
i wanted so much to be free!!!
he didn't know
M and I talked, at last... he said he was not aware that there was already a gap between us.. he said he didn't know that there was something wrong...
i was hurting and he didn't know...
i was crying and he didn't know...
i was dying and he didn't know...
i was drifting away and still, he didnt know...
and i was wondering if there is anything that he still knows about me...
*sigh*....
i was hurting and he didn't know...
i was crying and he didn't know...
i was dying and he didn't know...
i was drifting away and still, he didnt know...
and i was wondering if there is anything that he still knows about me...
*sigh*....
Thursday, June 29, 2006
torn into pieces...
its been 3 days now that M and I are not talking... its killing me but i have to keep my pride... this time, i will not make the first move... however hurt i am feeling, i will not give you the satisfaction of knowing it...
it is so unfair that i am feeling this bad while you and C, your other girl, are together at this time, having fun...
it is so unfair that you only remember my existence each time you need someone to talk to or go to bed to...
but perhaps, C can give you all that... that is why you dont give a damn if i am being cold to you now... you dont care coz you dont need me now...
then, why the hell did you come back?...
oh God, i am being torn into pieces... but i could not cry... i could not let anybody know that i am feeling like hell now... nobody knows about M and me... nobody knows but us...
if i could just die right now.... how i wish i would...
it is so unfair that i am feeling this bad while you and C, your other girl, are together at this time, having fun...
it is so unfair that you only remember my existence each time you need someone to talk to or go to bed to...
but perhaps, C can give you all that... that is why you dont give a damn if i am being cold to you now... you dont care coz you dont need me now...
then, why the hell did you come back?...
oh God, i am being torn into pieces... but i could not cry... i could not let anybody know that i am feeling like hell now... nobody knows about M and me... nobody knows but us...
if i could just die right now.... how i wish i would...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Articles "How Do I Let You Go" and "Life Goes On" should actually be posted 3 weeks ago when we broke up for the nth time....
Now, M and I are together again since last week...
Am i happy?...
NO !!!
Coz C (the other girl) is still in the scene... They are still together...
And why the hell did I come back to him?...
or should I say, "Why the hell did i accept him for the nth time?"...
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM STILL SO MADLY !!!!
I'm still deeply, madly and desperately in love with that fucking M...
And that fucking truth is what hurts me so much!!!
Now, M and I are together again since last week...
Am i happy?...
NO !!!
Coz C (the other girl) is still in the scene... They are still together...
And why the hell did I come back to him?...
or should I say, "Why the hell did i accept him for the nth time?"...
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM STILL SO MADLY !!!!
I'm still deeply, madly and desperately in love with that fucking M...
And that fucking truth is what hurts me so much!!!
Life Goes On...
.
As you go along with your life, there would come a time that you would find yourself stuck in an absolutely infuriating rut and you wonder why and how in the world did you ever get yourself into this hellhole....
that is where i am right now...
i may never know the answers on the why and the how..... or i may know it but i just ignore what my sub conscious mind is telling me... coz' i still like to believe that there's a perfectly good reason behind it all...
i keep on giving myself what i think are valid reasons why i got stuck here...
give me a break... i just fell in love... deeply, madly and truly in love....
i knew it was wrong... it was not right in time... no, not just the time... it was really not right in the first place...but what could i do... i just felt it... and it was so strong it controlled me... lifted my spirits so high and then in just a wink of an eye, i was in the ground... and now that the roller coaster ride is over, i feel so all alone... so sad... so lonely... and so alone....
but as the saying goes............................... LIFE GOES ON !!!!
as the day ends, i realized i'm still in one piece.... i still survived the loneliness and emptiness that i thought would kill me every minute... perhaps it is really true that .... what doesn't kill me will even make me a stronger person. coz i realized that despite of it all, i'm still here...
still surviving... still living... still dreaming....
i know i could be happy again.... at the right time, with the right person, in the right relationship....
and as this day ends, i pray to high heavens, "Lord, let me survive tomorrow once again."
As you go along with your life, there would come a time that you would find yourself stuck in an absolutely infuriating rut and you wonder why and how in the world did you ever get yourself into this hellhole....
that is where i am right now...
i may never know the answers on the why and the how..... or i may know it but i just ignore what my sub conscious mind is telling me... coz' i still like to believe that there's a perfectly good reason behind it all...
i keep on giving myself what i think are valid reasons why i got stuck here...
give me a break... i just fell in love... deeply, madly and truly in love....
i knew it was wrong... it was not right in time... no, not just the time... it was really not right in the first place...but what could i do... i just felt it... and it was so strong it controlled me... lifted my spirits so high and then in just a wink of an eye, i was in the ground... and now that the roller coaster ride is over, i feel so all alone... so sad... so lonely... and so alone....
but as the saying goes............................... LIFE GOES ON !!!!
as the day ends, i realized i'm still in one piece.... i still survived the loneliness and emptiness that i thought would kill me every minute... perhaps it is really true that .... what doesn't kill me will even make me a stronger person. coz i realized that despite of it all, i'm still here...
still surviving... still living... still dreaming....
i know i could be happy again.... at the right time, with the right person, in the right relationship....
and as this day ends, i pray to high heavens, "Lord, let me survive tomorrow once again."
How Do I Let You Go....
.
How do i let you go?....
I wanted to let you go now... or at least, my feelings for you...
I am in pain....
I am hurting again...
I feel that for the nth time in my life...
God and life were good to me..... perhaps, it was me who is not good with myself....
that's why i'm hurting... that's why i'm feeling this way...
I should have been contented... i should have just treasured and loved what God has given me...
Perhaps, it was really my fault...
Yes, it was my fault... i should have not allowed you to permeate my system again.... i should have moved on the first time you hurt and left me... i should have lived my life...
The longer the process of forgetting, the more my hurt, pain, misery & anger is surfacing...My heart is still taking control of my mind....
I am hoping that the LOVE & CONCERN might soon go away,But I guess I have to learn to let go first & move on....
I have to keep myself busy so that I don’t think of you.It is not easy to do… I MISS YOU…
i am missing you so much....
I am praying that I can leave everything in God’s hand who knows what is best for both of us... God allowed us to meet & what happened was also His will....
I know everything will fall into proper place in God’s time....
i only hope it would be soon...
“aLtHoUgH lOvE mEaNs NeVeR gIvInG uP, iT aLsO mEaNs LeTtInG gO..whEn LoViNg BeCoMeS a OnE wAy PrOcEsS wE hAvE tO lEt Go..LeTtInG gO iS a PiLL wE sWaLLoW sO aS tO hEaL oUrSeLvEs AnD mOvE oN tO tHe NeXt PhAsE oF oUr LiFe.."
How do i let you go?....
I wanted to let you go now... or at least, my feelings for you...
I am in pain....
I am hurting again...
I feel that for the nth time in my life...
God and life were good to me..... perhaps, it was me who is not good with myself....
that's why i'm hurting... that's why i'm feeling this way...
I should have been contented... i should have just treasured and loved what God has given me...
Perhaps, it was really my fault...
Yes, it was my fault... i should have not allowed you to permeate my system again.... i should have moved on the first time you hurt and left me... i should have lived my life...
The longer the process of forgetting, the more my hurt, pain, misery & anger is surfacing...My heart is still taking control of my mind....
I am hoping that the LOVE & CONCERN might soon go away,But I guess I have to learn to let go first & move on....
I have to keep myself busy so that I don’t think of you.It is not easy to do… I MISS YOU…
i am missing you so much....
I am praying that I can leave everything in God’s hand who knows what is best for both of us... God allowed us to meet & what happened was also His will....
I know everything will fall into proper place in God’s time....
i only hope it would be soon...
“aLtHoUgH lOvE mEaNs NeVeR gIvInG uP, iT aLsO mEaNs LeTtInG gO..whEn LoViNg BeCoMeS a OnE wAy PrOcEsS wE hAvE tO lEt Go..LeTtInG gO iS a PiLL wE sWaLLoW sO aS tO hEaL oUrSeLvEs AnD mOvE oN tO tHe NeXt PhAsE oF oUr LiFe.."
Friday, June 23, 2006
Pain and Suffering
..
There was once an article that states,
" Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. "
And how on earth could i apply that in real life?....
Pain and suffering are like twins... They go together...
I predicted the coming of pain.... and comes with it is suffering..
They are inseparable!!! ... They hit me both at the same time...
I am suffering from pain...
There was once an article that states,
" Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. "
And how on earth could i apply that in real life?....
Pain and suffering are like twins... They go together...
I predicted the coming of pain.... and comes with it is suffering..
They are inseparable!!! ... They hit me both at the same time...
I am suffering from pain...
questions....
...
why is it possible to love a person and yet, not be in-love with him?....
and why is it possible too, to be in-love with another person, and yet, you're still not happy with him...
that sucks, isnt it?...
wanting and having both worlds and still be unhappy...
i still love my husband..... i know, i do... but i can no longer feel the magic... i could no longer be happy with him... unless the children is around to contribute the joy...
and why am i still in-love with the mayor when all he caused me is pain... i am unhappy with him but i can't let him go... coz that would mean death for me... huh, better be unhappy than die...
how my life sucks with these questions i could not answer...
why is it possible to love a person and yet, not be in-love with him?....
and why is it possible too, to be in-love with another person, and yet, you're still not happy with him...
that sucks, isnt it?...
wanting and having both worlds and still be unhappy...
i still love my husband..... i know, i do... but i can no longer feel the magic... i could no longer be happy with him... unless the children is around to contribute the joy...
and why am i still in-love with the mayor when all he caused me is pain... i am unhappy with him but i can't let him go... coz that would mean death for me... huh, better be unhappy than die...
how my life sucks with these questions i could not answer...
I don't know...
originally posted last April 22, 2006
Im at the office and I know I should be working but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and I really don't feel like doing anything at all…. except closing my eyes and just doze off…
but I just cant find sleep or it was sleep that just cant find me….
Sometimes I find myself smiling and laughing, but it just seems strange to do such things when I feel so crappy inside….
It's like crying when you're happy or laughing when you’re so sad….. I just don't get it.
I miss a certain person and wonder if he misses me too…
I wonder why I even bother to care about him at all...
I wonder why he just pop into my head at the oddest moments, like when I'm with my friends and family having fun or I hear a certain song or I'm in line at McDonald’s or I'm looking for a conditioner in the Supermarket...
It's weird how certain people never even leave your memory -- just when you think you almost gotten rid of them, they have a way of *popping up* when the moment presents itself….
Sometimes I would just like to forget that person because chances are, he isn't thinking about me as fondly (or unfavorably), if at all!....
I don't even know why I bother to email him and say good morning, even if he hasn’t even bothered to say goodbye the day before….
I always remember him…
I would be damned flattered if that someone remembered me too, because... I'd been damned grateful for the attention….
It sucks to show how much you care about someone or want to be someone's special someone and only losing your dignity from it all….
Perhaps I'm not showing I care enough?... Or too much?... Or I'm doing it wrong?...
Or perhaps I'm just loving the wrong person...
I don't know….
I don't know why this is a big deal to me all of a sudden….
I'm pitiful…. Always been…..
Last night was another one of those nights when I found out something and and I simply crashed…. I went out like a dead light and I didn't even know it until morning came….Last night was one of those restless nights , where something suddenly went wrong and I couldn't get to sleep because I am feeling so much doubt and so much pain and just wanted to talk to someone….
It was way too late and didn't know who I could contact and I couldn't get to sleep...
But even if I did have someone to talk to, I could never talk about what I really wanted to talk about...
In other words, it seemed like a hopeless situation…..
I've felt worse in the past….., and this one isn't too bad, but I feel so lonely and tired …..
I'm screwed, and not in the way I'd like to be…. That's all I can say.
But at least, he called……. Even if its just out of obligation…
Somehow, that call lightens my load….
Time to get back to work.
Im at the office and I know I should be working but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and I really don't feel like doing anything at all…. except closing my eyes and just doze off…
but I just cant find sleep or it was sleep that just cant find me….
Sometimes I find myself smiling and laughing, but it just seems strange to do such things when I feel so crappy inside….
It's like crying when you're happy or laughing when you’re so sad….. I just don't get it.
I miss a certain person and wonder if he misses me too…
I wonder why I even bother to care about him at all...
I wonder why he just pop into my head at the oddest moments, like when I'm with my friends and family having fun or I hear a certain song or I'm in line at McDonald’s or I'm looking for a conditioner in the Supermarket...
It's weird how certain people never even leave your memory -- just when you think you almost gotten rid of them, they have a way of *popping up* when the moment presents itself….
Sometimes I would just like to forget that person because chances are, he isn't thinking about me as fondly (or unfavorably), if at all!....
I don't even know why I bother to email him and say good morning, even if he hasn’t even bothered to say goodbye the day before….
I always remember him…
I would be damned flattered if that someone remembered me too, because... I'd been damned grateful for the attention….
It sucks to show how much you care about someone or want to be someone's special someone and only losing your dignity from it all….
Perhaps I'm not showing I care enough?... Or too much?... Or I'm doing it wrong?...
Or perhaps I'm just loving the wrong person...
I don't know….
I don't know why this is a big deal to me all of a sudden….
I'm pitiful…. Always been…..
Last night was another one of those nights when I found out something and and I simply crashed…. I went out like a dead light and I didn't even know it until morning came….Last night was one of those restless nights , where something suddenly went wrong and I couldn't get to sleep because I am feeling so much doubt and so much pain and just wanted to talk to someone….
It was way too late and didn't know who I could contact and I couldn't get to sleep...
But even if I did have someone to talk to, I could never talk about what I really wanted to talk about...
In other words, it seemed like a hopeless situation…..
I've felt worse in the past….., and this one isn't too bad, but I feel so lonely and tired …..
I'm screwed, and not in the way I'd like to be…. That's all I can say.
But at least, he called……. Even if its just out of obligation…
Somehow, that call lightens my load….
Time to get back to work.
INFIDELITY
originally posted last April 4, 2006
"Infidelity is fun only for the two people involved. It sucks for everyone else. When you want to be unfaithful, you'll find a million and one reasons to continue on with the affair.... But when it’s over, you’ll realize that nobody wins in the end.”
I should know.... I've been on both sides...
"Infidelity is fun only for the two people involved. It sucks for everyone else. When you want to be unfaithful, you'll find a million and one reasons to continue on with the affair.... But when it’s over, you’ll realize that nobody wins in the end.”
I should know.... I've been on both sides...
Mixed Emotions
originally posted last April 03, 2006
did i say it was platonic?
i guess it was not...
i hate and i love the feeling...
mixed emotions...
i hate it ....
coz' i dont feel guilty...
coz' i should not be doing it...
coz' even though reasons why i should not do it were laid to me first, i still did it............
i love it ....
coz i did feel good...
coz what i wanted to happen happened...
coz i feel special, cared for and loved even on that day only...
but most of all,
i love it coz i was with the one I love..............
and i really care less for anything else.....
did i say it was platonic?
i guess it was not...
i hate and i love the feeling...
mixed emotions...
i hate it ....
coz' i dont feel guilty...
coz' i should not be doing it...
coz' even though reasons why i should not do it were laid to me first, i still did it............
i love it ....
coz i did feel good...
coz what i wanted to happen happened...
coz i feel special, cared for and loved even on that day only...
but most of all,
i love it coz i was with the one I love..............
and i really care less for anything else.....
It's US again...
originally posted last March 31, 2006
ok... im about to start....
its "US" again...
i mean, we're back to each other's arms...
though its platonic this time... no malice... just pure concern.. and love (at least for me)...
call me stupid for going back... but what can i do?...
i still love him...
and i still desperately want him...
even during stolen moments only, i'm happy...
at least, im more special than any other girls he knows...and that would be enough.....
of course it still hurts...
i guess loving him will always bring me pain... eh masochista ata ako...
unknowingly, it seems i enjoy being hurt....
so long that the pain comes from him... hehe...
but for those who have gone through this...
for those who loved deeply and so intent....
i know, you will understand me...
you can't teach your heart to forget..
you just wait for that to happen...
and it hasnt happened to me yet...
forgive me if i'm still this stupid...
i'm just head over heels, deeply in-love....
ok... im about to start....
its "US" again...
i mean, we're back to each other's arms...
though its platonic this time... no malice... just pure concern.. and love (at least for me)...
call me stupid for going back... but what can i do?...
i still love him...
and i still desperately want him...
even during stolen moments only, i'm happy...
at least, im more special than any other girls he knows...and that would be enough.....
of course it still hurts...
i guess loving him will always bring me pain... eh masochista ata ako...
unknowingly, it seems i enjoy being hurt....
so long that the pain comes from him... hehe...
but for those who have gone through this...
for those who loved deeply and so intent....
i know, you will understand me...
you can't teach your heart to forget..
you just wait for that to happen...
and it hasnt happened to me yet...
forgive me if i'm still this stupid...
i'm just head over heels, deeply in-love....
welcome, lady....
At last, i have created an anonymous blog....
where i could pour out all the contents of my hearts without giving a hint who i really am...
but first, let me transfer first some of my entries on my old blog which was accidentally "discovered" by some who friends...
that site is no longer safe....
where i could pour out all the contents of my hearts without giving a hint who i really am...
but first, let me transfer first some of my entries on my old blog which was accidentally "discovered" by some who friends...
that site is no longer safe....
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