its been 3 days now that M and I are not talking... its killing me but i have to keep my pride... this time, i will not make the first move... however hurt i am feeling, i will not give you the satisfaction of knowing it...
it is so unfair that i am feeling this bad while you and C, your other girl, are together at this time, having fun...
it is so unfair that you only remember my existence each time you need someone to talk to or go to bed to...
but perhaps, C can give you all that... that is why you dont give a damn if i am being cold to you now... you dont care coz you dont need me now...
then, why the hell did you come back?...
oh God, i am being torn into pieces... but i could not cry... i could not let anybody know that i am feeling like hell now... nobody knows about M and me... nobody knows but us...
if i could just die right now.... how i wish i would...
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Articles "How Do I Let You Go" and "Life Goes On" should actually be posted 3 weeks ago when we broke up for the nth time....
Now, M and I are together again since last week...
Am i happy?...
NO !!!
Coz C (the other girl) is still in the scene... They are still together...
And why the hell did I come back to him?...
or should I say, "Why the hell did i accept him for the nth time?"...
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM STILL SO MADLY !!!!
I'm still deeply, madly and desperately in love with that fucking M...
And that fucking truth is what hurts me so much!!!
Now, M and I are together again since last week...
Am i happy?...
NO !!!
Coz C (the other girl) is still in the scene... They are still together...
And why the hell did I come back to him?...
or should I say, "Why the hell did i accept him for the nth time?"...
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM STILL SO MADLY !!!!
I'm still deeply, madly and desperately in love with that fucking M...
And that fucking truth is what hurts me so much!!!
Life Goes On...
.
As you go along with your life, there would come a time that you would find yourself stuck in an absolutely infuriating rut and you wonder why and how in the world did you ever get yourself into this hellhole....
that is where i am right now...
i may never know the answers on the why and the how..... or i may know it but i just ignore what my sub conscious mind is telling me... coz' i still like to believe that there's a perfectly good reason behind it all...
i keep on giving myself what i think are valid reasons why i got stuck here...
give me a break... i just fell in love... deeply, madly and truly in love....
i knew it was wrong... it was not right in time... no, not just the time... it was really not right in the first place...but what could i do... i just felt it... and it was so strong it controlled me... lifted my spirits so high and then in just a wink of an eye, i was in the ground... and now that the roller coaster ride is over, i feel so all alone... so sad... so lonely... and so alone....
but as the saying goes............................... LIFE GOES ON !!!!
as the day ends, i realized i'm still in one piece.... i still survived the loneliness and emptiness that i thought would kill me every minute... perhaps it is really true that .... what doesn't kill me will even make me a stronger person. coz i realized that despite of it all, i'm still here...
still surviving... still living... still dreaming....
i know i could be happy again.... at the right time, with the right person, in the right relationship....
and as this day ends, i pray to high heavens, "Lord, let me survive tomorrow once again."
As you go along with your life, there would come a time that you would find yourself stuck in an absolutely infuriating rut and you wonder why and how in the world did you ever get yourself into this hellhole....
that is where i am right now...
i may never know the answers on the why and the how..... or i may know it but i just ignore what my sub conscious mind is telling me... coz' i still like to believe that there's a perfectly good reason behind it all...
i keep on giving myself what i think are valid reasons why i got stuck here...
give me a break... i just fell in love... deeply, madly and truly in love....
i knew it was wrong... it was not right in time... no, not just the time... it was really not right in the first place...but what could i do... i just felt it... and it was so strong it controlled me... lifted my spirits so high and then in just a wink of an eye, i was in the ground... and now that the roller coaster ride is over, i feel so all alone... so sad... so lonely... and so alone....
but as the saying goes............................... LIFE GOES ON !!!!
as the day ends, i realized i'm still in one piece.... i still survived the loneliness and emptiness that i thought would kill me every minute... perhaps it is really true that .... what doesn't kill me will even make me a stronger person. coz i realized that despite of it all, i'm still here...
still surviving... still living... still dreaming....
i know i could be happy again.... at the right time, with the right person, in the right relationship....
and as this day ends, i pray to high heavens, "Lord, let me survive tomorrow once again."
How Do I Let You Go....
.
How do i let you go?....
I wanted to let you go now... or at least, my feelings for you...
I am in pain....
I am hurting again...
I feel that for the nth time in my life...
God and life were good to me..... perhaps, it was me who is not good with myself....
that's why i'm hurting... that's why i'm feeling this way...
I should have been contented... i should have just treasured and loved what God has given me...
Perhaps, it was really my fault...
Yes, it was my fault... i should have not allowed you to permeate my system again.... i should have moved on the first time you hurt and left me... i should have lived my life...
The longer the process of forgetting, the more my hurt, pain, misery & anger is surfacing...My heart is still taking control of my mind....
I am hoping that the LOVE & CONCERN might soon go away,But I guess I have to learn to let go first & move on....
I have to keep myself busy so that I don’t think of you.It is not easy to do… I MISS YOU…
i am missing you so much....
I am praying that I can leave everything in God’s hand who knows what is best for both of us... God allowed us to meet & what happened was also His will....
I know everything will fall into proper place in God’s time....
i only hope it would be soon...
“aLtHoUgH lOvE mEaNs NeVeR gIvInG uP, iT aLsO mEaNs LeTtInG gO..whEn LoViNg BeCoMeS a OnE wAy PrOcEsS wE hAvE tO lEt Go..LeTtInG gO iS a PiLL wE sWaLLoW sO aS tO hEaL oUrSeLvEs AnD mOvE oN tO tHe NeXt PhAsE oF oUr LiFe.."
How do i let you go?....
I wanted to let you go now... or at least, my feelings for you...
I am in pain....
I am hurting again...
I feel that for the nth time in my life...
God and life were good to me..... perhaps, it was me who is not good with myself....
that's why i'm hurting... that's why i'm feeling this way...
I should have been contented... i should have just treasured and loved what God has given me...
Perhaps, it was really my fault...
Yes, it was my fault... i should have not allowed you to permeate my system again.... i should have moved on the first time you hurt and left me... i should have lived my life...
The longer the process of forgetting, the more my hurt, pain, misery & anger is surfacing...My heart is still taking control of my mind....
I am hoping that the LOVE & CONCERN might soon go away,But I guess I have to learn to let go first & move on....
I have to keep myself busy so that I don’t think of you.It is not easy to do… I MISS YOU…
i am missing you so much....
I am praying that I can leave everything in God’s hand who knows what is best for both of us... God allowed us to meet & what happened was also His will....
I know everything will fall into proper place in God’s time....
i only hope it would be soon...
“aLtHoUgH lOvE mEaNs NeVeR gIvInG uP, iT aLsO mEaNs LeTtInG gO..whEn LoViNg BeCoMeS a OnE wAy PrOcEsS wE hAvE tO lEt Go..LeTtInG gO iS a PiLL wE sWaLLoW sO aS tO hEaL oUrSeLvEs AnD mOvE oN tO tHe NeXt PhAsE oF oUr LiFe.."
Friday, June 23, 2006
Pain and Suffering
..
There was once an article that states,
" Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. "
And how on earth could i apply that in real life?....
Pain and suffering are like twins... They go together...
I predicted the coming of pain.... and comes with it is suffering..
They are inseparable!!! ... They hit me both at the same time...
I am suffering from pain...
There was once an article that states,
" Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. "
And how on earth could i apply that in real life?....
Pain and suffering are like twins... They go together...
I predicted the coming of pain.... and comes with it is suffering..
They are inseparable!!! ... They hit me both at the same time...
I am suffering from pain...
questions....
...
why is it possible to love a person and yet, not be in-love with him?....
and why is it possible too, to be in-love with another person, and yet, you're still not happy with him...
that sucks, isnt it?...
wanting and having both worlds and still be unhappy...
i still love my husband..... i know, i do... but i can no longer feel the magic... i could no longer be happy with him... unless the children is around to contribute the joy...
and why am i still in-love with the mayor when all he caused me is pain... i am unhappy with him but i can't let him go... coz that would mean death for me... huh, better be unhappy than die...
how my life sucks with these questions i could not answer...
why is it possible to love a person and yet, not be in-love with him?....
and why is it possible too, to be in-love with another person, and yet, you're still not happy with him...
that sucks, isnt it?...
wanting and having both worlds and still be unhappy...
i still love my husband..... i know, i do... but i can no longer feel the magic... i could no longer be happy with him... unless the children is around to contribute the joy...
and why am i still in-love with the mayor when all he caused me is pain... i am unhappy with him but i can't let him go... coz that would mean death for me... huh, better be unhappy than die...
how my life sucks with these questions i could not answer...
I don't know...
originally posted last April 22, 2006
Im at the office and I know I should be working but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and I really don't feel like doing anything at all…. except closing my eyes and just doze off…
but I just cant find sleep or it was sleep that just cant find me….
Sometimes I find myself smiling and laughing, but it just seems strange to do such things when I feel so crappy inside….
It's like crying when you're happy or laughing when you’re so sad….. I just don't get it.
I miss a certain person and wonder if he misses me too…
I wonder why I even bother to care about him at all...
I wonder why he just pop into my head at the oddest moments, like when I'm with my friends and family having fun or I hear a certain song or I'm in line at McDonald’s or I'm looking for a conditioner in the Supermarket...
It's weird how certain people never even leave your memory -- just when you think you almost gotten rid of them, they have a way of *popping up* when the moment presents itself….
Sometimes I would just like to forget that person because chances are, he isn't thinking about me as fondly (or unfavorably), if at all!....
I don't even know why I bother to email him and say good morning, even if he hasn’t even bothered to say goodbye the day before….
I always remember him…
I would be damned flattered if that someone remembered me too, because... I'd been damned grateful for the attention….
It sucks to show how much you care about someone or want to be someone's special someone and only losing your dignity from it all….
Perhaps I'm not showing I care enough?... Or too much?... Or I'm doing it wrong?...
Or perhaps I'm just loving the wrong person...
I don't know….
I don't know why this is a big deal to me all of a sudden….
I'm pitiful…. Always been…..
Last night was another one of those nights when I found out something and and I simply crashed…. I went out like a dead light and I didn't even know it until morning came….Last night was one of those restless nights , where something suddenly went wrong and I couldn't get to sleep because I am feeling so much doubt and so much pain and just wanted to talk to someone….
It was way too late and didn't know who I could contact and I couldn't get to sleep...
But even if I did have someone to talk to, I could never talk about what I really wanted to talk about...
In other words, it seemed like a hopeless situation…..
I've felt worse in the past….., and this one isn't too bad, but I feel so lonely and tired …..
I'm screwed, and not in the way I'd like to be…. That's all I can say.
But at least, he called……. Even if its just out of obligation…
Somehow, that call lightens my load….
Time to get back to work.
Im at the office and I know I should be working but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and I really don't feel like doing anything at all…. except closing my eyes and just doze off…
but I just cant find sleep or it was sleep that just cant find me….
Sometimes I find myself smiling and laughing, but it just seems strange to do such things when I feel so crappy inside….
It's like crying when you're happy or laughing when you’re so sad….. I just don't get it.
I miss a certain person and wonder if he misses me too…
I wonder why I even bother to care about him at all...
I wonder why he just pop into my head at the oddest moments, like when I'm with my friends and family having fun or I hear a certain song or I'm in line at McDonald’s or I'm looking for a conditioner in the Supermarket...
It's weird how certain people never even leave your memory -- just when you think you almost gotten rid of them, they have a way of *popping up* when the moment presents itself….
Sometimes I would just like to forget that person because chances are, he isn't thinking about me as fondly (or unfavorably), if at all!....
I don't even know why I bother to email him and say good morning, even if he hasn’t even bothered to say goodbye the day before….
I always remember him…
I would be damned flattered if that someone remembered me too, because... I'd been damned grateful for the attention….
It sucks to show how much you care about someone or want to be someone's special someone and only losing your dignity from it all….
Perhaps I'm not showing I care enough?... Or too much?... Or I'm doing it wrong?...
Or perhaps I'm just loving the wrong person...
I don't know….
I don't know why this is a big deal to me all of a sudden….
I'm pitiful…. Always been…..
Last night was another one of those nights when I found out something and and I simply crashed…. I went out like a dead light and I didn't even know it until morning came….Last night was one of those restless nights , where something suddenly went wrong and I couldn't get to sleep because I am feeling so much doubt and so much pain and just wanted to talk to someone….
It was way too late and didn't know who I could contact and I couldn't get to sleep...
But even if I did have someone to talk to, I could never talk about what I really wanted to talk about...
In other words, it seemed like a hopeless situation…..
I've felt worse in the past….., and this one isn't too bad, but I feel so lonely and tired …..
I'm screwed, and not in the way I'd like to be…. That's all I can say.
But at least, he called……. Even if its just out of obligation…
Somehow, that call lightens my load….
Time to get back to work.
INFIDELITY
originally posted last April 4, 2006
"Infidelity is fun only for the two people involved. It sucks for everyone else. When you want to be unfaithful, you'll find a million and one reasons to continue on with the affair.... But when it’s over, you’ll realize that nobody wins in the end.”
I should know.... I've been on both sides...
"Infidelity is fun only for the two people involved. It sucks for everyone else. When you want to be unfaithful, you'll find a million and one reasons to continue on with the affair.... But when it’s over, you’ll realize that nobody wins in the end.”
I should know.... I've been on both sides...
Mixed Emotions
originally posted last April 03, 2006
did i say it was platonic?
i guess it was not...
i hate and i love the feeling...
mixed emotions...
i hate it ....
coz' i dont feel guilty...
coz' i should not be doing it...
coz' even though reasons why i should not do it were laid to me first, i still did it............
i love it ....
coz i did feel good...
coz what i wanted to happen happened...
coz i feel special, cared for and loved even on that day only...
but most of all,
i love it coz i was with the one I love..............
and i really care less for anything else.....
did i say it was platonic?
i guess it was not...
i hate and i love the feeling...
mixed emotions...
i hate it ....
coz' i dont feel guilty...
coz' i should not be doing it...
coz' even though reasons why i should not do it were laid to me first, i still did it............
i love it ....
coz i did feel good...
coz what i wanted to happen happened...
coz i feel special, cared for and loved even on that day only...
but most of all,
i love it coz i was with the one I love..............
and i really care less for anything else.....
It's US again...
originally posted last March 31, 2006
ok... im about to start....
its "US" again...
i mean, we're back to each other's arms...
though its platonic this time... no malice... just pure concern.. and love (at least for me)...
call me stupid for going back... but what can i do?...
i still love him...
and i still desperately want him...
even during stolen moments only, i'm happy...
at least, im more special than any other girls he knows...and that would be enough.....
of course it still hurts...
i guess loving him will always bring me pain... eh masochista ata ako...
unknowingly, it seems i enjoy being hurt....
so long that the pain comes from him... hehe...
but for those who have gone through this...
for those who loved deeply and so intent....
i know, you will understand me...
you can't teach your heart to forget..
you just wait for that to happen...
and it hasnt happened to me yet...
forgive me if i'm still this stupid...
i'm just head over heels, deeply in-love....
ok... im about to start....
its "US" again...
i mean, we're back to each other's arms...
though its platonic this time... no malice... just pure concern.. and love (at least for me)...
call me stupid for going back... but what can i do?...
i still love him...
and i still desperately want him...
even during stolen moments only, i'm happy...
at least, im more special than any other girls he knows...and that would be enough.....
of course it still hurts...
i guess loving him will always bring me pain... eh masochista ata ako...
unknowingly, it seems i enjoy being hurt....
so long that the pain comes from him... hehe...
but for those who have gone through this...
for those who loved deeply and so intent....
i know, you will understand me...
you can't teach your heart to forget..
you just wait for that to happen...
and it hasnt happened to me yet...
forgive me if i'm still this stupid...
i'm just head over heels, deeply in-love....
welcome, lady....
At last, i have created an anonymous blog....
where i could pour out all the contents of my hearts without giving a hint who i really am...
but first, let me transfer first some of my entries on my old blog which was accidentally "discovered" by some who friends...
that site is no longer safe....
where i could pour out all the contents of my hearts without giving a hint who i really am...
but first, let me transfer first some of my entries on my old blog which was accidentally "discovered" by some who friends...
that site is no longer safe....
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