I don't know...

originally posted last April 22, 2006


Im at the office and I know I should be working but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and I really don't feel like doing anything at all…. except closing my eyes and just doze off…
but I just cant find sleep or it was sleep that just cant find me….

Sometimes I find myself smiling and laughing, but it just seems strange to do such things when I feel so crappy inside….

It's like crying when you're happy or laughing when you’re so sad….. I just don't get it.

I miss a certain person and wonder if he misses me too…

I wonder why I even bother to care about him at all...

I wonder why he just pop into my head at the oddest moments, like when I'm with my friends and family having fun or I hear a certain song or I'm in line at McDonald’s or I'm looking for a conditioner in the Supermarket...

It's weird how certain people never even leave your memory -- just when you think you almost gotten rid of them, they have a way of *popping up* when the moment presents itself….

Sometimes I would just like to forget that person because chances are, he isn't thinking about me as fondly (or unfavorably), if at all!....

I don't even know why I bother to email him and say good morning, even if he hasn’t even bothered to say goodbye the day before….

I always remember him…

I would be damned flattered if that someone remembered me too, because... I'd been damned grateful for the attention….

It sucks to show how much you care about someone or want to be someone's special someone and only losing your dignity from it all….

Perhaps I'm not showing I care enough?... Or too much?... Or I'm doing it wrong?...

Or perhaps I'm just loving the wrong person...

I don't know….

I don't know why this is a big deal to me all of a sudden….

I'm pitiful…. Always been…..

Last night was another one of those nights when I found out something and and I simply crashed…. I went out like a dead light and I didn't even know it until morning came….Last night was one of those restless nights , where something suddenly went wrong and I couldn't get to sleep because I am feeling so much doubt and so much pain and just wanted to talk to someone….

It was way too late and didn't know who I could contact and I couldn't get to sleep...

But even if I did have someone to talk to, I could never talk about what I really wanted to talk about...

In other words, it seemed like a hopeless situation…..

I've felt worse in the past….., and this one isn't too bad, but I feel so lonely and tired …..

I'm screwed, and not in the way I'd like to be…. That's all I can say.

But at least, he called……. Even if its just out of obligation…

Somehow, that call lightens my load….



Time to get back to work.