maybe i should give some background on my story... about M, my lover and the Rock, my husband, so you would understand better all my posts... promise, i will make it very brief and concise....
M was my ultimate crush when i was still single... The Rock was my best friend... we all belong to one circle of friends... M and the Rock are on the same Department and we are all in the same Company... M had an involvement with our other friend, OD... During that time, the Rock courted me... then our friend OD and M broke up... OD was still very much in-love with M when the break-up happened... M courted me, too, simultaneous with the Rock...
I was still crazy over M but the Rock was too kind and sweet and really a husband material... besides, i was thinking of OD... she was a close friend so i do not really want to hurt her...
So despite of my stronger feelings with M, i chose the Rock over him.... OD was grateful with my decision coz she still wants M back... but M doesnt want her anymore... after a few months, M had another girlfriend which we do not know... M got her pregnant and married her... OD was really devastated... and i became M's wife's friend...
2 years after, the Rock and I also got married... then i got pregnant... after i gave birth to my first child and after going back to work, M started courting me again without my husband's and his wife's (who is now my friend) knowledge... that was when i realized that my feelings for him have not changed... it is still as strong as before...
to make the story short, it became US... but our relationship was very platonic... at least during that time...
a year after, M met Cola, a new employee with a reputation of fucking anyone who ask her out... she's not very pretty but has a sexy body... and according to all the men she had made love with, she was so good in bed (i'm not!) ... may be the reason why men are drooling over her... including M... i found out that they, M and Cola, was in a relationship so i broke up with M...
finding out about their relationship and breaking up with him was the most painful thing i have ever felt... it really crushed me but i have to hide what i was feeling... nobody knows about my relationship with M... so you should know how difficult it was for me to carry all the hurt alone...
i had a problem with the Rock... for 11 months (since the day i gave birth), he never touched me... no sex at all... M started e-mailing me again and then we became friends until we got back together again... Cola and him are still sharing something special... but i accepted that because i realized i could not live without M... anyway, Cola could give him what i could not.... sex... im still afraid to do it with him during that time...
when M started sharing to me his problems about his nagging wife whom he confessed he really do not love, i also shared with him my problem regarding the Rock... (now, maybe you're getting the idea why i called him the Rock... he has no strong feelings sexually... he can stand without having sex for almost a year... now, dont blame me why i am in this relationship with M)...
after 11 months of no sex at all, the Rock made up with me... and that's how i got pregnant with my second child...
during that time, i still have no sexual relationship with M... it was still platonic... but our relationship did not end on my 2nd preganancy... it was still there until i came back to work...
M and i got even closer... and 6 months after giving birth to my 2nd child, we finally made love... and it was very much different with the sex i had with the Rock... the one with M was more satisfying and adventurous... the one with the Rock only lasted for 3 minutes and i never really felt satisfied.. i dont "come" with him... with M, 3 hours is not even enough....
but because M had a wife and i have my own husband and M was also involved with Cola, we never do "it" as often as we want... we have done it only thrice... but that 3 times was the best sex i ever had... and after doing it with me, M rarely go out with Cola anymore... they just talk thru e-mail... well, at least that's what i know...
and the Rock and I are still together... he still do not know about M and I... and i hope he would never know... i still do love him and i have no intention of leaving him... he's kind and a good husband (in some aspects) and a good father... but i also have my needs physically, emotionally and sexually, which he could not satisfy... and i also love M ... in a deeper and different manner...
so, basically, that's the story of Cola, M, the Rock and me...
i hope i was able to make you understand...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Awhile ago, i forwarded this Article to M thru E-Mail :
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.
He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.
As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him.
The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.
Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled,
"Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly,
"No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had
been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL OF THE STORY :
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.
We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
And M e-mailed me back with this :
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.
He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.
As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him.
The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore.
Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled,
"Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly,
"No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had
been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.
Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL OF THE STORY :
When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?
The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm.
We secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God.
We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the middle of storms.
Can you sleep while the wind blows?
And M e-mailed me back with this :
" yes i can, with you.. beside me.."
and all the doubts and pains he caused me had simply melt away....
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i'm tired....
M didn't say goodbye again last night... he just disappeared...
and cola, his other girl, is also not around anymore... maybe, they're together... i hope they go together in hell...
its always like that... if he's not with me, he's playing with her.... then after a few days, he'll come back if he needs favor or some sweet loving from me... and i will be just plain stupid to welcome him again and again with open arms and loving heart... completely forgetting all the pains he had caused me...
just plain stupid me... why does it have to be this way?... why do i have to be like this?..
i only wanted to be loved...
God, i'm tired....
and cola, his other girl, is also not around anymore... maybe, they're together... i hope they go together in hell...
its always like that... if he's not with me, he's playing with her.... then after a few days, he'll come back if he needs favor or some sweet loving from me... and i will be just plain stupid to welcome him again and again with open arms and loving heart... completely forgetting all the pains he had caused me...
just plain stupid me... why does it have to be this way?... why do i have to be like this?..
i only wanted to be loved...
God, i'm tired....
im confused...
today, i need to make one of the hardest and most crucial decision of my life...
a new job is being offered to me... as Business Analyst from our Systems Department...
if i accept the offer, these are the effects on me:
Neutral Effect
- no change in salary and level
- change department from Treasury to MISD
- transfer from a kind boss to another kind boss
Positive Effect
- i can now practice what i have studied and finished in College
- brighter future since the position is more marketable as IT person
- sure job a year from now
- new work, new environment, new challenge
Negative Effect
- i will lose my authority as a Supervisor
- i will lose some of my privilege like blogging anytime and being boss to my boss
- i will lose my spacious working area
i dont know where to categorize this one:
- possibility of being away or having less time with M which would mean
- my marriage would be saved
- freedom from M
- less or no pain from M
i really dont know what to do...
can you help me, people?...
a new job is being offered to me... as Business Analyst from our Systems Department...
if i accept the offer, these are the effects on me:
Neutral Effect
- no change in salary and level
- change department from Treasury to MISD
- transfer from a kind boss to another kind boss
Positive Effect
- i can now practice what i have studied and finished in College
- brighter future since the position is more marketable as IT person
- sure job a year from now
- new work, new environment, new challenge
Negative Effect
- i will lose my authority as a Supervisor
- i will lose some of my privilege like blogging anytime and being boss to my boss
- i will lose my spacious working area
i dont know where to categorize this one:
- possibility of being away or having less time with M which would mean
- my marriage would be saved
- freedom from M
- less or no pain from M
i really dont know what to do...
can you help me, people?...
recap
its been quite a while since i last updated my blog... just to give you recap:
Thursday, July 13
M was back to his old self... he constantly e-mailed me from morning until the end of the day... and that was non-stop... sharing me his thoughts and being just sweet....
Friday, July 14
M was Ok in the morning... he continued to e-mail me minute per minute... but in the afternoon, he was in a bad mood... just before office hours end, he e-mailed me that he cannot attend the bowling tournament because he had a headache... and i was shocked... we, the team, needed him badly because that was the semi final round.. so i pleaded him to come...
and i regret doing that... he played badly... his score was very low and so does his mood... he never talked to me the entire evening and he went home without even saying goodbye... he was so devastated because of how he played... and partly, i blamed myself... his top ten standing would surely be affected... as i mentioned before, he was number 1... and i know, WAS is the right term to use...
i felt bad that the Team lost the game... we will compete next week for the runner-up standing and not for the No. 1 position...
but i felt even worse for m... because i know that he already lost his chance of having that number 1 trophy...
Over the weekend, i was thinking of him...
Monday, July 17
i didnt get enough sleep so i took a leave in the morning... my husband, the Rock (as i will call him here), also did... and oh, i think i never mentioned that the Rock and M is on the same Department...
When the Rock and I came to office in the afternoon... M was in an unusual mood again... he barely talked or e-mailed me... He just asked why the Rock and I were never able to report to work in the morning and give a hint that he is thinking that we did something the night before... how i wish that it was jealousy that's eating him... he never showed that emotion to me... not ever...
and when i told him that we didnt do anything the night before... he never e-mailed back...
Late afternoon, the result of bowling came out... it was already the final standing for individual bowlers... From being No. 1 consistently, he dropped to No. 10 (as the final standing)... that was because of his poor play last Friday... i know he took it badly...
Ironically, the Rock got the number 1 position...
M went home without saying goodbye...
Tuesday, July 18
today, all he ever e-mailed me was "good morning"... and its almost 4pm...
i feel sad... and i wish we could fix this soon...
Thursday, July 13
M was back to his old self... he constantly e-mailed me from morning until the end of the day... and that was non-stop... sharing me his thoughts and being just sweet....
Friday, July 14
M was Ok in the morning... he continued to e-mail me minute per minute... but in the afternoon, he was in a bad mood... just before office hours end, he e-mailed me that he cannot attend the bowling tournament because he had a headache... and i was shocked... we, the team, needed him badly because that was the semi final round.. so i pleaded him to come...
and i regret doing that... he played badly... his score was very low and so does his mood... he never talked to me the entire evening and he went home without even saying goodbye... he was so devastated because of how he played... and partly, i blamed myself... his top ten standing would surely be affected... as i mentioned before, he was number 1... and i know, WAS is the right term to use...
i felt bad that the Team lost the game... we will compete next week for the runner-up standing and not for the No. 1 position...
but i felt even worse for m... because i know that he already lost his chance of having that number 1 trophy...
Over the weekend, i was thinking of him...
Monday, July 17
i didnt get enough sleep so i took a leave in the morning... my husband, the Rock (as i will call him here), also did... and oh, i think i never mentioned that the Rock and M is on the same Department...
When the Rock and I came to office in the afternoon... M was in an unusual mood again... he barely talked or e-mailed me... He just asked why the Rock and I were never able to report to work in the morning and give a hint that he is thinking that we did something the night before... how i wish that it was jealousy that's eating him... he never showed that emotion to me... not ever...
and when i told him that we didnt do anything the night before... he never e-mailed back...
Late afternoon, the result of bowling came out... it was already the final standing for individual bowlers... From being No. 1 consistently, he dropped to No. 10 (as the final standing)... that was because of his poor play last Friday... i know he took it badly...
Ironically, the Rock got the number 1 position...
M went home without saying goodbye...
Tuesday, July 18
today, all he ever e-mailed me was "good morning"... and its almost 4pm...
i feel sad... and i wish we could fix this soon...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
it's cold...
i have not seen M for 4 days and i was dying to see him... but it seems he doesnt feel the same...
or im just being paranoid.....
he's busy... i guess he is... that's why all he ever e-mailed me was "good Morning" and "talk to you later"... that was this morning... almost 8 hours ago... until now, he hasnt e-mailed me again...
i miss him....
i guess the cold weather has worsen my longing... how i wanted to be touched... to be hugged ... and be kissed by him...
i miss him.... so much...
but all i could do right now is to wait.... nothing else...
or im just being paranoid.....
he's busy... i guess he is... that's why all he ever e-mailed me was "good Morning" and "talk to you later"... that was this morning... almost 8 hours ago... until now, he hasnt e-mailed me again...
i miss him....
i guess the cold weather has worsen my longing... how i wanted to be touched... to be hugged ... and be kissed by him...
i miss him.... so much...
but all i could do right now is to wait.... nothing else...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
bowling without him
i told jazzy that i knew he would come to the bowling tournament last night... i said i can feel it... but my senses failed me... he did not...
our team though, managed to win with 2-1 score ... but we needed to win by 3-0 so we can be sure of a greater chance in the championship... but as i have said, without M, it would be difficult for the team.. and it really was...
but i do understand why he didnt come... travel from the province to here is 4 hours and he needs to go back again after the game which would mean another 4 hours on the road... that would require a great sacrifice for him considering the bus fare he has to pay is another issue from the effort he has to exert just to be able to play...
our Team may hate you, M... but i still do love you...
anyway, we still have our last chance next Friday... you have all my support... mwah!
and hey, i did fairly good last night... i did concentrate on the game to get my mind away from you... at least that's some good news out of the bad one, huh...
k, see you on Monday, M... im dying to let you know how much i miss you...
and i hope you also do...
our team though, managed to win with 2-1 score ... but we needed to win by 3-0 so we can be sure of a greater chance in the championship... but as i have said, without M, it would be difficult for the team.. and it really was...
but i do understand why he didnt come... travel from the province to here is 4 hours and he needs to go back again after the game which would mean another 4 hours on the road... that would require a great sacrifice for him considering the bus fare he has to pay is another issue from the effort he has to exert just to be able to play...
our Team may hate you, M... but i still do love you...
anyway, we still have our last chance next Friday... you have all my support... mwah!
and hey, i did fairly good last night... i did concentrate on the game to get my mind away from you... at least that's some good news out of the bad one, huh...
k, see you on Monday, M... im dying to let you know how much i miss you...
and i hope you also do...
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Bad Hair Day...
i had my hair straightened last Saturday and it cost me quite a huge amount... but now how i wish i hadnt... it lost its natural body and bounce... and its not really straight...
now its like i am wearing a broom over my head and its now very hard to manage...
i want my old hair back... but i know it would take months again before it came back to its original shape...
i hate my hair...
now its like i am wearing a broom over my head and its now very hard to manage...
i want my old hair back... but i know it would take months again before it came back to its original shape...
i hate my hair...
i miss M
M is in the province right now... after the talk we had the other day, he changed a bit... at least for the better... he called me yesterday to let me know that he will be on leave for 2 days (thursday and friday) ...
friday is bowling day and we are on the same team... he is #1 on the current ranking of male bowlers... our team is #2 on Group A Teams and we are trying to hit the # 1 slot before the championship 2 weeks from now... but without M around, i dont think our team could make it... he is our no.1 score producer...
i told him to try to return on Friday afternoon to attend the bowling tournament... he said he will... and i hope he will... not just for the team... but also for me... that's the only time we can be closely together in public and i cherish every moment of it...
if he doesnt make it tomorrow, i will miss him... in fact, i am already missing him right now...
life is really sad without him around....
friday is bowling day and we are on the same team... he is #1 on the current ranking of male bowlers... our team is #2 on Group A Teams and we are trying to hit the # 1 slot before the championship 2 weeks from now... but without M around, i dont think our team could make it... he is our no.1 score producer...
i told him to try to return on Friday afternoon to attend the bowling tournament... he said he will... and i hope he will... not just for the team... but also for me... that's the only time we can be closely together in public and i cherish every moment of it...
if he doesnt make it tomorrow, i will miss him... in fact, i am already missing him right now...
life is really sad without him around....
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
who knows?
but at least, he said sorry... and that means a lot to me...
just got to learn to go on without much of him around...
who knows, i may suddenly realize one day that i could already live without him in my life... completely !!!
i am waiting for that day to come ...
i wanted so much to be free!!!
just got to learn to go on without much of him around...
who knows, i may suddenly realize one day that i could already live without him in my life... completely !!!
i am waiting for that day to come ...
i wanted so much to be free!!!
he didn't know
M and I talked, at last... he said he was not aware that there was already a gap between us.. he said he didn't know that there was something wrong...
i was hurting and he didn't know...
i was crying and he didn't know...
i was dying and he didn't know...
i was drifting away and still, he didnt know...
and i was wondering if there is anything that he still knows about me...
*sigh*....
i was hurting and he didn't know...
i was crying and he didn't know...
i was dying and he didn't know...
i was drifting away and still, he didnt know...
and i was wondering if there is anything that he still knows about me...
*sigh*....
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