have you ever felt like someone has punched you on the chest and you just cant breath and all you can do was cry and grasp for air?... i am feeling like that just now... or even more than that... i feel like i can no longer bear the pain... its just too painful than before...

before, i have accepted the fact that he and cola are sharing sweet music together, just like he is with me... i have accepted that because i cant make him choose... i am afraid on the decision he would come up to... i know she is now a part of his life... just like i am...

i dont want to let go of him coz that would give Cola the trophy of having him alone... and id rather have it this way... at least, she and i are on equal footing...

but i guess, merely knowing and accepting the fact is very much different than ACTUALLY seeing it before your eyes...

i know M is trying his best to equally divide the time and attention he is giving Cola and me... i am so happy each time he spends his day e-mailing and calling me on the phone... i always feel a sense of triumph that i am having more of his time than Cola could get...

but there are also times that its the other way around... just like today... he hasnt e-mailed me yet... not even a single message... and when i went to their Department, he is busy chatting on the phone that he didnt even notice me... i know it was Cola he was talking to... but i still went to Cola's Department to check... i was hoping that my intution was wrong... i was praying so hard... but yes, i was correct... i can see in Cola's eyes that it was M he was talking to...

and i was so hurt... i was so hurt i didnt notice that i was already crying... i was so hurt that i feel like i would just fall and collapse... the pain was unexplainable and unbearable... its like my heart is being stab by a million sharp oblects... that i dont even know what object was that... i dont know how can i let you feel the pain i am feeling now so you will understand...

i am hurting but i am still loving him... and that's what doubles the pain...

God, i wanted to die...