letting go of M...

it's been awhile since i last make a post... quite lazy to write anything... well, i guess, i need to give you some updates...

last week, i told M that i feel our relationship is nearing its end... he doesnt want to believe... i told him im ready when he's ready to call it off... he said he's not yet ready and he doesnt want to talk about "the end"...

you may be surprised why the idea suddenly comes out from me... well, i dont know... i know i still love him... but, believe it or not and i don't know how it happened, the feeling had subside.. it is no longer as strong as it was before... i just realized this two weeks ago...

i no longer think much of him when he's not around... when i saw him again talking sweetly with Cola over the phone, the pain was already bearable... i even asked him if it was Cola he was talking to... and when he lied and denied it, i only got more disappointed with him...

i never demanded that my love for him be reciprocated... i am not asking for any affection in return... all i ever asked him was to be honest with me... no matter how the truth may hurt me, i still want his honesty... but until now, he cannot give that to me... and that's part of the grounds why i no longer see any reason why we still need to continue the affair...

the second reason is, he still thinks im still capable of playing around with somebody else aside from the Rock and him... and that hurts me so much... and i really feel humiliated... it only means that he doesnt believe that ive been doing that with him merely because i love him... and what hurts most is, Cola was the one doing that and yet, he never believes all the gossips that goes around regarding Cola... when i told him that, he told me he was just joking... i tried to believe him but the disappointment never leaves me...

the last reason: i'm tired...

i'm tired of being wanted only when needed...

i'm tired of being just a lover... a shock absorber... a problem solver...

i'm tired of him calling me when he's down and needy and then knowing that it was Cola who he calls first when he is happy and problem-free...

no, i'm not jealous ...

i'm just starting to accept the fact that he can't let go of me not because he loves me or he cares for me...

he can't let go of me.............

because i am the only one who answers his needs abruptly without even asking why....

because i am the only one who knows his worst side and yet accepts him with all my heart...

because i am the only one who turns the world upside down just to seek for answers on all his questions and desires...

he can't let go of me because he needs me so much......

and i'm tired...... of just being needed.... always.


i have not yet put an end to the affair... i want him to be ready when i do that... i want us to be both ready...

because once ended, i dont want to turn back again anymore... like we did in the past...

if i have to end it, i want it for good.... i want to close the door behind us... leaving it locked forever...


and i know, im getting quite ready for that....

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