sometimes, i look back at my life and wonder how come i get to experience things that are beyond normal....
how come i always get into some kind of trouble wherein in the end, i always end up hurt and shattered?...
why is it that life always give me some sort of grief, anxiety, pains and all other kinds of heart-pounding feelings?....
IT IS VERY FRUSTRATING !!!!
i've always been a good person... i know i've been until my involvement with M... but just the same, that affair was just an effect of a hell-like relationship with the Rock...
i just wanted to be loved, for Christ's sake!!!
was just too much?... or am i too bad?...
LIFE CHALLENGES ME TO THE HILT !!!!
i wonder when all of these will be over....
im getting so tired ...
exasperating as it was at this moment, i guess there is no better way than to PRAY. at least, that's the safest and most reliable thing i could think of under the weather...
Oh, life.....
HOW COME YOU DO THIS TO ME ?!!!
('sigh')
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
life (again!)
you know, things would be easier for me if only The Rock would cooperate...
but until now, he's still as cold as what i call him... the Rock.
i am trying so hard to bring back the fire in our relationship...
i wanted to be a good wife.... a faithful one...
but it's just so hard...
everytime i talk to him, he snaps on me... (yeah, so rude)
everytime i hug him, he will just shrug and ask what's wrong with me...
i am so fucking tired and unhappy with him..
but he doesnt care ... and he doesnt give a damn!!!
and oh, not to mention, NO SEX AT ALL !!!
(well, this is over acting a liitle... we do have sex ONCE A MONTH... for 5 MINUTES!!!)
coz Rocks don't need SEX ... they have no feelings....
JUST LIKE HIM!
ok, fine...
DAMN LIFE!!!
but until now, he's still as cold as what i call him... the Rock.
i am trying so hard to bring back the fire in our relationship...
i wanted to be a good wife.... a faithful one...
but it's just so hard...
everytime i talk to him, he snaps on me... (yeah, so rude)
everytime i hug him, he will just shrug and ask what's wrong with me...
i am so fucking tired and unhappy with him..
but he doesnt care ... and he doesnt give a damn!!!
and oh, not to mention, NO SEX AT ALL !!!
(well, this is over acting a liitle... we do have sex ONCE A MONTH... for 5 MINUTES!!!)
coz Rocks don't need SEX ... they have no feelings....
JUST LIKE HIM!
ok, fine...
DAMN LIFE!!!
life
Cola and M's relationship is becoming visible in the office...
if you ask me if i am feeling hurt, my answer would be ................... i don't know...
i admit i miss M...
i miss his sweetness...
i miss his E-Mails...
i miss his phone calls...
i miss his jokes....
BUT, i dont want him back anymore...
No... partly, i want him back so i can get even with Cola... Until now, i still hate her so much that i dont want her to be happy...
But partly, i dont want him back because i dont want to hurt myself anymore...
I already faced the fact that M doesnt love me...
he never did and he never will...
he wanted me bacause he needs me...
and im not sure if he will still want me if i dont attend to his needs...
i guess not.
i just miss him.... THAT's ALL!
and yes, i am still sad and lonely....
ohh, life....
if you ask me if i am feeling hurt, my answer would be ................... i don't know...
i admit i miss M...
i miss his sweetness...
i miss his E-Mails...
i miss his phone calls...
i miss his jokes....
BUT, i dont want him back anymore...
No... partly, i want him back so i can get even with Cola... Until now, i still hate her so much that i dont want her to be happy...
But partly, i dont want him back because i dont want to hurt myself anymore...
I already faced the fact that M doesnt love me...
he never did and he never will...
he wanted me bacause he needs me...
and im not sure if he will still want me if i dont attend to his needs...
i guess not.
i just miss him.... THAT's ALL!
and yes, i am still sad and lonely....
ohh, life....
Monday, November 13, 2006
things left unsaid
-----------------------------------
what i wanted to say to you:
-----------------------------------
1. I’ve been a good girl. i tried to be one, whether in front of you or not. i did whatever pleases you. i made time and exerted effort to appreciate you. and whenever i please and appreciate you, i do it without any expectations and in all sincerity.
2. i kept no secrets from you. you know everything about me, and i take extra effort, if you notice, to tell you everything I know, even if you don’t return the favor. sadly, you don't seem to notice.
3. i don't know about your expectations of me. or how i can measure up to your expectations. as far as i know, i met up with it. i am sorry if to you, I did not.
4. i am hurt. emotionally, i was hurt, which caused all the brouhaha. but the pain doubled (tripled!) when i realized you never give a damn to what I am feeling. it is always what “you” feel that matters to you. and you always wanted to receive the affection, love and care, rather than give them back.
5. 'No Regrets.' you know that I have the ‘no regrets’ policy. sadly, you were part of my 'no regrets'. i have no control over it. but in all uncertainty, whatever happens to me, as well as the result of my decisions, i am totally responsible for it.
6. I do not understand. I do not understand why after everything I gave and did for you, you still cheated on me. I hate to think and admit to myself that SEX is everything that matters to you. sadly, she is better than me on that Department.
7. I TRULY LOVED YOU. more than my husband. more than anyone else. but not anymore.
some things need no explaining, as what happened to us and why/how/when we ended into this. at present, i am still clueless. i am still clueless why something like that transpired.
i am still feeling bad about it. not because of the fact that I have loved you, but because of the end-result of it all.
in due time, i know we will have the chance to talk again and be friends again. but for now, the reality and the irony of the situations are staring at me in the face. it is teaching me something i am not yet sure of as of the moment.
of course, everything that happens to us is a learning experience.
i am patient and impatient at the moment. yet, the irony is making me insane…
until the time comes when our minds and hearts are open for a deeper connection, then we’ll have to make each other understand the reasons.
i’m silent yet still agitated. .. I just want you to know...
(sigh.)
;-(
what i wanted to say to you:
-----------------------------------
1. I’ve been a good girl. i tried to be one, whether in front of you or not. i did whatever pleases you. i made time and exerted effort to appreciate you. and whenever i please and appreciate you, i do it without any expectations and in all sincerity.
2. i kept no secrets from you. you know everything about me, and i take extra effort, if you notice, to tell you everything I know, even if you don’t return the favor. sadly, you don't seem to notice.
3. i don't know about your expectations of me. or how i can measure up to your expectations. as far as i know, i met up with it. i am sorry if to you, I did not.
4. i am hurt. emotionally, i was hurt, which caused all the brouhaha. but the pain doubled (tripled!) when i realized you never give a damn to what I am feeling. it is always what “you” feel that matters to you. and you always wanted to receive the affection, love and care, rather than give them back.
5. 'No Regrets.' you know that I have the ‘no regrets’ policy. sadly, you were part of my 'no regrets'. i have no control over it. but in all uncertainty, whatever happens to me, as well as the result of my decisions, i am totally responsible for it.
6. I do not understand. I do not understand why after everything I gave and did for you, you still cheated on me. I hate to think and admit to myself that SEX is everything that matters to you. sadly, she is better than me on that Department.
7. I TRULY LOVED YOU. more than my husband. more than anyone else. but not anymore.
some things need no explaining, as what happened to us and why/how/when we ended into this. at present, i am still clueless. i am still clueless why something like that transpired.
i am still feeling bad about it. not because of the fact that I have loved you, but because of the end-result of it all.
in due time, i know we will have the chance to talk again and be friends again. but for now, the reality and the irony of the situations are staring at me in the face. it is teaching me something i am not yet sure of as of the moment.
of course, everything that happens to us is a learning experience.
i am patient and impatient at the moment. yet, the irony is making me insane…
until the time comes when our minds and hearts are open for a deeper connection, then we’ll have to make each other understand the reasons.
i’m silent yet still agitated. .. I just want you to know...
(sigh.)
;-(
Saturday, November 11, 2006
The Bitch Deserves the Beast
-----
I have been trying to write something since the other week and up to now I only have scraps... I cannot seem to find the drive to write and describe what happened and yet I could feel my mind so full of them....
we had a chance to talk about what had happened ... he continued to deny everything ... he still said he was innocent and that he was not lying... Cola and him were not together that day...
last week, i gave him another chance... i forgive him...
i did that so i can gauge what i am really feeling towards him after the day of break-up...
i dont know if what i found out is good news or not....
..... i was not excited
..... i never care if he calls or e-mail me
..... there was no more spark
and oh, before i forget, M had separated with his wife... physically (not in papers yet)
and im glad its not because of me....
we were separated, too, when that happened....
I have been trying to write something since the other week and up to now I only have scraps... I cannot seem to find the drive to write and describe what happened and yet I could feel my mind so full of them....
we had a chance to talk about what had happened ... he continued to deny everything ... he still said he was innocent and that he was not lying... Cola and him were not together that day...
last week, i gave him another chance... i forgive him...
i did that so i can gauge what i am really feeling towards him after the day of break-up...
i dont know if what i found out is good news or not....
..... i was not excited
..... i never care if he calls or e-mail me
..... there was no more spark
and oh, before i forget, M had separated with his wife... physically (not in papers yet)
and im glad its not because of me....
we were separated, too, when that happened....
-
and you know why i gave him another chance?....
-
nope. not to own him completely...
-
i agree to be with him again because i dont want to give Cola the full triumph of having him completely.....
she doesnt deserve to be happy...
-
call me sadistic or selfish....
.
but a bitch like her doesnt deserve a man loving him alone....
.
(i am calling her bitch because thats what she is showing me whenever M is not around... a bitch!)
-
but sadly, our reconciliation didnt last longer than 5 days....
.
we fought again and i ended it again....
.
despite of him saying sorry repeatedly... i still ended it.
.
and this time, i dont care anymore if Cola would have him completely.
.
.
.
THE BITCH DESERVES THE BEAST!!!
.
tropical depression named M...
Tropical Depression
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(this was written a couple of days before i finally ended it all with M)
when it rains, it pours...
again, it started raining all over me since last week, then this week. i thought that it was a gentle downpour, just drenching me slightly to remind me that some things need attention…. but days of rain, of dark clouds and depressing situation made me realize that it was more than just a bad weather...
there really is a tropical depression named 'M'...
perhaps i am just exaggerating… perhaps, i am just magnifying things distraughtly… i just feel a little cynic at this moment though... the past week and this week had been very stormy for both of us... little things said and done just blew out of proportion until it got out of control..!
(though there was no physical explosion... just silent treatments and sharp words done in writing)
you may say that i am overacting just to catch his attention... or i am just trying to prove him wrong in many ways... maybe i am trying to prove him that i am right in many ways as well… but after all the agitation and melee, when this is over, it was me who gets drenched and hurt... and that happens ALL THE TIME.
for the past years, even in my hyperactive and restless mind, there was not a single moment that i felt i did not want or need or love 'M' at all… even in the roughest times, in the roughly jagged edges of the path we tread, and even in the stringest of weather, there was no other being more important to hold on to than he…
even if I mean it when I say he is… and will always be, my Storm Signal No. 3.
but it would be different this time.. I would no longer live forever in the rain… perhaps its about time I dream of the sun… and that would mean living a life without him around…. Totally without the storm…
for the longest time we’ve been together, on and off, I’ve been drenched enough… for the past years, I used to enjoy the rain… even if it drench me not just physically… it also douse my spirit and soul… and now, at last, I get too tired living with a tropical depression… my heart gets too tired with the storm…
when does a heart stop loving?
and when does a heart who gets bruised and welted and shattered still strive to live..?
honestly, I’m not yet sure when……………….. but it will happen…
meantime, i say to this heart:
"rest, my heart, and heal…. the storm will soon be over!"
..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(this was written a couple of days before i finally ended it all with M)
when it rains, it pours...
again, it started raining all over me since last week, then this week. i thought that it was a gentle downpour, just drenching me slightly to remind me that some things need attention…. but days of rain, of dark clouds and depressing situation made me realize that it was more than just a bad weather...
there really is a tropical depression named 'M'...
perhaps i am just exaggerating… perhaps, i am just magnifying things distraughtly… i just feel a little cynic at this moment though... the past week and this week had been very stormy for both of us... little things said and done just blew out of proportion until it got out of control..!
(though there was no physical explosion... just silent treatments and sharp words done in writing)
you may say that i am overacting just to catch his attention... or i am just trying to prove him wrong in many ways... maybe i am trying to prove him that i am right in many ways as well… but after all the agitation and melee, when this is over, it was me who gets drenched and hurt... and that happens ALL THE TIME.
for the past years, even in my hyperactive and restless mind, there was not a single moment that i felt i did not want or need or love 'M' at all… even in the roughest times, in the roughly jagged edges of the path we tread, and even in the stringest of weather, there was no other being more important to hold on to than he…
even if I mean it when I say he is… and will always be, my Storm Signal No. 3.
but it would be different this time.. I would no longer live forever in the rain… perhaps its about time I dream of the sun… and that would mean living a life without him around…. Totally without the storm…
for the longest time we’ve been together, on and off, I’ve been drenched enough… for the past years, I used to enjoy the rain… even if it drench me not just physically… it also douse my spirit and soul… and now, at last, I get too tired living with a tropical depression… my heart gets too tired with the storm…
when does a heart stop loving?
and when does a heart who gets bruised and welted and shattered still strive to live..?
honestly, I’m not yet sure when……………….. but it will happen…
meantime, i say to this heart:
"rest, my heart, and heal…. the storm will soon be over!"
..
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